Jelly Trumpet
Jelly Trumpet
S03E10 Vote Monkey
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Vote Monkey started as a Jelly Trumpet joke and is now reality. The Monkey Party is now a legitimate political force in the UK.
King Kong goes back to his roots on Skull Island. The Jelly Trumpet crew follow. They discover Skull Island has mostly been converted into an avaricious amusement park.
In this episode:
- Hear Kong speaks
- A vibration boat vibrates
- Nigel is the ‘Search Squirrel’
- Multiple attack drones
Enjoy the full, poignant and highly stimulating episode!
Vote Monkey!
Mr Jim & The Jelly Trumpet Crew
Thank you for listening to the Jelly Trumpet Podcast!
SUPPORT THE PODCAST
For super Jelly fans
Patreon: Jelly Trumpet
JOIN US ON SOCIAL FOR EXTRA FUN
Facebook: Jelly Trumpet
Instagram: jellytrumpet
w: jellytrumpet.com
RIFF 1
S/FX; TONY AND THE NARCOLEPSY TRACK [01:17]
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TONY:
Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
§ Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
§ Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
§ Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Plus:
§ Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
§ Spen, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
§ cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
§ and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!
Previously on Jelly Trumpet! The crew rescued King Kong, the original one, from a life of exploitation despite Mr b’s latest invention for creating an alternative reality, part Matrix, part Tardis, named the Tartrix.
In episode ten, Vote Monkey, the crew try to rescue the political landscape of the United Kingdom with the aid of various monkeys and said King Kong. Will their new political party, the ‘Jelly Monkeys’ gain power and take the country to a peaceful and joyous existence? Let’s find out dear listener!
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MR B:
Morning Mr Jim!
JIM:
Morning Mr b! Did you have a refreshing walk?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Indeed, we did Mr Jim. Verulamium Park wasn’t busy at all this morning.
JIM:
Jolly good, your Majesty. [A BEAT] I’m still pinching myself Mr b.
MR B:
Why’s that?
JIM:
Because I like it.
MR B:
Fair enough.
S/FX: A NEWSPAPER RUSTLING
JIM:
I’m actually pinching myself Mr b because of our election success. Our third candidate, the excitable Emma won the last by-election two weeks ago and is still getting fantastic press. Look here at the headline in the Daily Mungo, ‘King Kong and the Jelly Party are the future of the United Kingdom, screams Emma Mandrill’
MR B:
O’ that. Yes. Very good. I’ll be back in a moment. Kong’s tired after the walk and he needs his microgreens.
JIM:
OK. What!? You took King Kong to Verulamium Park?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No one noticed Mr Jim. You know how everyone minds their own business in St Albans. So, very English!
MR B:
Yes. No one really noticed. See you in a minute.
JIM:
He’s a twenty-four-foot Western lowland gorilla! We’re supposed to be keeping him away from controversy... Goodness knows what will happen if the national newspapers and the tv people got a HINT, that Kong was out and about… strolling around St Albans, like a hipster in search of a flat white… we have to keep King Kong safe?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
Yes. Nigel. It’s Monkey Nut time! Good boy! Let’s go and feed Kong.
S/FX: NIGEL PLAYS THE TENOR SAX
S/FX: DOOR CLOSING
JIM:
It’s bad enough having a red squirrel the size of a St Bernard playing tenor sax.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You wrote Nigel didn’t you Mot Homme?
JIM:
That’s not the point.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes, it is the point.
JIM:
Right. Yes. Well… you’re right of course. The point I should be making is Kong is now the leader of the most progressive political party in the history of the UK, the Jelly Party. He has to be discrete, politically aware and present a sombre image.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He wore a hat.
JIM
That’s alright then. A giant gorilla in a trilby hat. And that Tartrix thing Mr b invented, the travelling through alternative reality thing! It has caused a great deal of trouble.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Non! Kong wore his favourite Top Hat. He looked like a proper English gentleman. Now, the Tartrix, part Matrix, part Tardis? O’ that, Mr b is such a prolific inventor is he not? Mr b was telling me he’s also invented a vibration powered boat.
JIM:
Yes, the Tartrix. It’ s nothing but trouble. Travelling through another reality with a ‘whatever your heart desires force field’! Nothing but trouble! What? Why? Why has he invented a vibration powered boat?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr b is a creative. He likes to express this with inventions. I believe you are a writer? You write. Mr b invents.
JIM:
Inventions, buttons that move the podcast slightly to the left, genetic engineering a Pointer Chihuahua. cMac, a moderately expensive coffee machine adapted to be the ‘ultimate gizmo!’ Is there no end to Mr b’ thirst for…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No. Now have you seen my sunbathing crown?
JIM:
I believe I saw it with Spen, he’s on the patio with a bucket of sunscreen and a bottle of Prosecco.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MR B:
I’m worried about Kong.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is the matter with ‘em? He was humming very nicely as he ate his bamboo at breakfast. A lovely bamboo eating song.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
What do you think is the matter with Kong Mr b?
MR B:
I think he’s pining for Skull Island. I also think he needs [COUGHS GENTLY] a mate.
JIM:
O’ no! No need for details. Excellent use of a discrete cough Mr b. Right. We have to do something after…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Tony! The Trailer!
TONY:
Right then! Off we go...It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
§ Creative challenges!
§ The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
§ A Micro Sitcom, 'The Start-up'
Plus:
§ Jim's List of the week and creative tips!
§ We play out the episode with 'We Paint Houses' a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] [YAWNS] Bed time!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I feel refreshed! An hour in the sun, I feel so délicieusement chaud [SHE SIGHS].
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
And Spen?
MR B:
I’ve got the video clip you wanted Mr Jim.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Spen is also… relaxed [SHE GIGGLES].
MR B:
I’ll just cue it up on the iPad.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What video clip Mr b?
MR B:
Jim wanted to see Emma Mandrill MP’s performance on last night’s Question Time.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Tu quoi?
JIM:
Question time is a political panel show your Majesty. The audience asks difficult questions to politicians.
QUEEN ELEANOR
Politicians!
S/FX: SOUND OF SPITTING
MR B:
And play!
S/FX: THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE AS THROUGH A ‘TINNY’ MIC.
LADY VOICE:
Another question from the audience please. Mr Fuller from Prestatyn who has a question regarding podcasts.
MALE VOICE:
I would like, in particular to ask the Rt Honourable Sir Hillary Tank, what is the point of introducing a bill that obliges every podcast in the UK to have at least one living statue?
TANK:
We need to keep these people off the street. Make our towns and cities, safer, cleaner and free from non-productive scoundrels. The damage they do is immense. We are going to take the streets back for our demographic, I mean people!
S/FX: MILD APPLAUSE
LADY VOICE:
What does our recently elected panellist, Emma Mandrill MP say to this proposed bill requiring all podcasts to have a living statue?
S/FX: SOUND OF A MANDRILL BABOON SCREAMING
S/FX: LOUD ROUND OF APPLAUSE
LADY VOICE:
I see. Thank you, Emma Mandrill, the member for Harpenden North East.
S/FX: NORMAL SOUND RESUMED
JIM:
Wonderful. Emma is really on the ball! Vote Monkey!
MR B:
Vote Monkey! Well, Emma is certainly very, erm vocal. I’m just wondering…
JIM:
Yes, Mr b?
MR B:
You know, the whole monkey thing. I mean it started as a rather silly Jelly Trumpet podcast joke. The election of various monkeys’ to be members of parliament and er… wait a minute, does this explain that statue of a gladiator floating in mid-air on the studio landing?
JIM:
Yes. He’s not doing any harm.
MR B:
He’s not doing anything. You know what a living statue is? [A BEAT] It’s just a mime artist that doesn’t move.
JIM:
Well, it’s a directive from the PA, the Podcast Authority. And now we have three Jelly Monkey MP’s who can do something about that AND we have King Kong, the mighty, as the party chairman. A politician…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Politicians!
S/FX: SPITTING
JIM:
Thank you, your Majesty.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes, Nigel. Let us have a lie down. No! You will not bring your nuts!
JIM:
See you later.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Folie tous azimuts!
JIM:
Wonderful isn’t it. The Jelly Monkey party. I’m so proud of them. We’ll soon have a more benign country. Full of nature, harmony and sensible animals.
MR B:
Yes. Sensible…
JIM:
Now, if Etsy Gibbon wins her by-election on Thursday, we’ll have quite a group in parliament. Ethan Howler Monkey, Harpenden East, Emma Mandrill Baboon, Harpenden North East and Easter Chimp, Harpenden South.
MR B:
Yes Jim. But the monkey world is rather different from our own. I mean monkeys don’t do much. They eat, they breed, they squabble a lot and sleep even more. For instance, the Howler Monkey sleeps fifteen hours per day.
JIM:
With a country run by monkeys, our lives will be quieter and free from strife, free from corruption and immense political incompetence. Well, they’re will be the odd squabble over vegetation and food sources but apart from that we can get on with our lives…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
COME QUICK!
JIM:
What is it your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s Kong!
MR B:
What? What happened?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He’s gone!
S/FX: SCRABBLE OF FEET. A CUP GETS KNOCKED OVER AND BREAKS
MR B:
But Kong was here, in the garden, munching and singing his microgreens song!
JIM:
He can’t have gone far. Where would he go?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We have to find him!
MR B:
He’s a twenty-four-foot gorilla, your Majesty. Should be easy to spot him.
JIM:
In the car everyone. I have an idea…
S/FX: COMICAL SPEEDED UP RUNNING FEET
S/FX: CAR STARTING UP AND DRIVING OFF
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Where are we going Mr Jim?
JIM:
Verulamium Park.
MR B:
Why?
JIM:
To park.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Park at the park? [SARCASTIC] Brillante!
JIM:
Yes. We’re going to the Roman Theatre and the Verulamium Park is the closest parking.
MR B:
Why the Roman Theatre Mr Jim?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes. Why? Why not the Abbey Theatre?
JIM:
Kong is pining alright. He’s pining for Skull Island and…
MR B:
And…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And…
JIM:
And to perform! I should have spotted it earlier. The signs were there. I believe Kong wants to be a professional song and dance man, er gorilla.
MR B:
WHAT?
JIM:
He loves singing his food songs, doesn’t he?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
‘e is always singing.
MR B:
And he always wants to wear his Top hat!
[A BEAT]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He’s also taken to playing with that old telegraph pole. Using it like he’s performing a song and dance routine!
MR B:
Yes. He has. You’re right Mr Jim. Kong wants to be Bruce ‘Kong’ Forsyth.
JIM:
Kong wants to practice being a song-and-dance-gorilla. He’s too big for the Abbey Theatre. The amphitheatre offers plenty of space and discretion.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We have to get him a girlfriend. We really must.
JIM:
Mr b?
MR B:
Yes. We must get him a girlfriend.
JIM:
Is that vibration boat able to undertake a long journey Mr b? West of Sumatra say?
MR B:
Why?
JIM:
Because we are taking Kong back to Skull Island.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Merde! Tony! Announce something.
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
This little exercise is called ‘create the perfect you.’ For 5 minutes only write a description of yourself. Age, gender, height, what you do for work, what you do for leisure, what you eat, if you exercise, what you dream of, what you dislike.
Underline everything you think that could be better. Now spend 5 minutes writing that person as perfect. None of us are perfect, praise the old gods and the new. This is not a self-improvement exercise, rather an acceptance of who you are. Embrace that.
What did you learn about yourself? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are up to!
Now back to the Jelly Monkeys.
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
JIM:
Is that him?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What do you mean, is that him? You can’t mistake Kong for anything other than Kong!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
Look at those people running away! You don’t think he’s climbed the Clock Tower on St Albans High Street and started swatting military drones?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No.
MR B:
Alright then…
JIM:
I think those people are running away from the Panpipe playing bastard-busker in The Maltings shopping centre. Put your foot down Mr b!
MR B:
Engaging second gear, mirror, signal, manoeuvre and…
JIM:
Traffic lights. Thank heavens for traffic lights when YOU DON’T NEED THEM!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Here.
JIM:
And this is?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
A Scotch Egg, with a hint of truffle and for you Mr b, Satan’s Dark Americano, coffee in a can. They will provide you with calm.
JIM:
Ahhhh!
MR B:
Ahhhh!
JIM:
[EATING] Yum…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Green! Rapide Mr b! [SHE CLAPS HER HANDS]
S/FX: SCREECHING OF TYRES
JIM:
What if we are too late!
MR B:
[SARCASTIC] What? Do you think Kong would have turned into the new Bruce Forsythe and is now hosting ‘Strictly Come Dancing Gorillas!?’
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Turn right! Down George Street! Rapide!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: AIRY HELMET
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is titled: ‘Airy Helmet’. That’s right ‘airy’, not hairy so don’t think hairy when you hear airy.
THE SCENE: AN IMPOSING OFFICE. A PANEL OF SIX MEN SIT BEHIND A LONG DESK
S/FX: BURST OF INTRO MUSIC
SEYMOUR:
What product are you showing us today Ms Mills?
MARY:
My product is called the Airy Helmet and…
SEYMOUR:
One moment, Ms Mills. We at the Legal Board of Product Compliance must confer for one moment.
S/FX: SOUND OF HURRIED WHISPERING
SEYMOUR:
Very well, pizza it is. Carry on Ms Mills.
MARY:
The Airy Helmet is designed to take your own air wherever you go. Dislike other people’s vibe? Inhale your own atmosphere wherever you are. Still working on the tag line…
S/FX: WHISPERING
SEYMOUR:
A moment if you will Ms Mills. Very well, The Ultimate Spicy Sausage with chilli it is Malcolm. If you please madam…
MARY:
As you can see…
SEYMOUR:
Yes, yes, yes. Get to the point.
MARY:
The point is your Airy Helmet contains your favourite air, scents, sounds and inspirational quotes. With a single swipe left of the orange button your favourite atmosphere is enabled.
S/FX: SWIPE SOUND
VOICE:
Pleasant vibes engaged.
S/FX: SOMETHING SIMILAR TO A FAN
SEYMOUR:
The point being?
MARY:
The Airy Helmet enables complete escape from the reality of modern life.
SEYMOUR:
What do the green and red buttons do?
MARY:
If I swipe the green button right your favourite fragrance is released.
S/FX: SWIPE SOUND
VOICE:
Horlicks and Dijon Mustard… released.
SEYMOUR:
And the red button?
MARY:
Swipe up on your Airy Helmet red button and an inspirational quote is released. Now if I quicky swipe left and swipe right together…
SEYMOUR:
Dear God! Just the red button Ms Mills. We must adhere to a strict procedure.
MARY:
Very well, swiping my red button!
VOICE:
Inspirational quote… ’Enjoy the good times before the disaster’
SEYMOUR:
One moment!
S/FX: WHISPERING
MARY:
[SOTTO VOCE] Really!
SEYMOUR:
Let’s just have the Chick. ‘n’ Mix Box. Everyone gets a choice then.
MARY:
This is too much! I came here to show off my helmet device. Right! You’ve asked for it!
S/FX: SWIPE, SWIPE, SWIPE
VOICE:
Airy Helmet emergency atmosphere engaged! [BEEP] OFF THE LOT OF YOU! [BEEP} OFF, [BEEP] OFF, [BEEP] OFF, [CONTINUES IN A FRENZY OF BEEPS]
MARY:
And this gentleman is how to live your best life.
S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT
END
RIFF: 4
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT
S/FX: SCREECHING TYRES AS THE CAR BREAKS SUDDENLY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
There he is!
MR B:
Right! Let’s get Kong in the car and…
JIM:
This is a Ford Galaxy Mr b! Not Noah’s sodding ark!
MR B:
Fair point.
JIM:
We’ll have to, have to, have to…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Entice him home with us. Nigel! The termites! Rapide! [SHE CLAPS HER HANDS]
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN GREAT EXCITMENT
MR B:
Termites? Since when do we have termites?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
One must always prepare for emergencies mes petits pieds.
JIM:
But termites?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Kong is descended from the Western lowland gorillas. They love termites and ants. And we’re all out of ants.
JIM:
Nigel appears to have taken a massive golf umbrella with him.
MR B:
What is Nigel doing with a massive golf umbrella?
JIM:
He’s shaking something…
MR B:
Looks like a rotten log.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel is spreading the termites. He uses the golf umbrella like a big plate.
JIM:
O’, I see.
MR B:
Clever.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Of course, I thought of it.
MR B:
It’s working. Here comes Kong.
JIM:
Good Kong! Who’s a good boy? That’s right, you’re a good boy!
S/FX: SOFT GORILLA GRUNTS OF PLEASURE
MR B:
Right! We need a plan!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nonsense. Kong? Kong? We’re taking you to Skull Island. That’s right! We’ll find you a mate.
MR B:
A mate?
JIM:
As in girlfriend Mr b.
MR B:
O’!
S/FX: FADE NATIVE DRUMMING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TONY:
Will the Jelly Monkey party win a general election? What’s in store for our heroes on Skull Island and what is a vibration boat?
Now, a power nap. POWER!
S/FX: SNORING
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME
JIM:
In this episode of 7 Questions in 7 Minutes I will be interviewing people about their secret creative hobby. This episode we are talking to… Mr b, who are we talking to?
MR B:
Erm…
JIM:
You have lined up a guest for the interview, haven’t you?
MR B:
We’ve, well… we’ll the bad news is we’ve run out of people who want to be interviewed on Jelly Trumpet.
JIM:
And the good news?
MR B:
There’s isn’t any.
JIM:
Bugger! There’s must be someone.
MR B:
Well, I have this West African bee.
JIM:
A West African bee?
MR B:
Yes. You know, ‘Buzz Buzz!’ He’s called Trevor and he’s a dancer.
JIM:
Well, dance is a fabulous creative art. I mean bees are known for their ‘round dances’ and their ‘waggle dances’. What type of dance does Trevor practice?
MR B:
Jazz Dance.
JIM:
No Mr b! We will have nothing to do with JAZZ!
MR B:
Why’s that Mr Jim?
JIM:
You know very well that Jazz is just notes in search of tune. Listen to one piece of JAZZ and you’ll be licking the floor trying to taste soul.
MR B:
Fair point Mr Jim.
JIM:
Best play some Elbow Mr b, so we can get the taste of Jazz out of our mouths.
FADE TO JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND TO NEXT RIFF
RIFF: 5
S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: SOUND OF SOMETHING VIBRATING AT SPEED
MR B:
[SHAKY VOICE] We should reach Skull Island in four minutes and seventeen seconds.
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] Excellent Mr b! Did you pack the portable podcast kit, cMac the ‘ultimate gizmo’ and coffee?
MR B:
[SHAKY VOICE] Yes. And your favourite Scotch Eggs and two packs of bacon crisps.
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] Splendid!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SHAKY VOICE] Nigel! Did you pack your oboe?
S/FX: CHIRPING FOLLOWED BY A BURST OF OBOE
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] Kong is very quiet?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SHAKY VOICE] I have given Kong the Dorling Kindersley Bumper Picture Book of Male Grooming. He is busy trimming and plucking so as to be a very neat gorilla for his prospective mate.
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] That explains the nasal hair trimming.
MR B:
[SHAKY VOICE] But doesn’t explain the Fidget Spinner.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SHAKY VOICE] Kong is nervous to meet a mate. It was the fidget spinner or a small Catholic priest.
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] Vibration boats are [BIG TIME PLEASURE VIBE] greeeeeeat!
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to come up with as many excuses as possible for not attending a bbq held by your toxic and narcissistic boss. And GO!
JIM:
But I like bbq’s. OK!
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Keep your word invention threshold high people!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
RIFF: 6
S/FX: BACKGROUND NATIVE DRUMMING
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] It’s a lovely spot. Skull Island is a paradise. So green, so full of natural life.
MR B:
It’s a bit warm. Hang on. cMac! cMac run air conditioning unit!
S/FX: SOUND OF A FAN
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] Ahh! That’s better… cool …cool …cool!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr Jim. We have alighted from the vibration boat and have landed on Skull Island. Why do you still have a shaky voice?
JIM:
[SHAKY VOICE] O’. O’…o’, o’, o’
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I think you enjoyed the vibration boat a little too much. STOP IT! We must pursue our mission. Now where is Kong?
JIM:
Yes. Where is he?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel is a…
JIM & MR B:
…a search squirrel.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes he is! Nigel chercher Kong!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AND SCURRIES THROUGH JUNGLE FOLIAGE
JIM:
After him!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
One moment Mr Jim. A question.
JIM:
Yes?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I believe the Jelly Trumpet podcast does many things, including traveling through time, space and a mixture of cliched genres?
JIM:
Yes. It does.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Then why did we have to take the vibration boat?
JIM:
Well, you know, well… er [CLEARS HIS THROAT] stimulating.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Oui. Je suis tout chaud à l'intérieur.
JIM:
Now?
MR B:
Now?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
YES NOW!
S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC
RIFF: 7
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is this? What has happened to the Skull Island jungle?
MR B:
I don’t believe it. It used to be so green. Jungle as far as the eye can see, a verdant paradise.
JIM:
Beautiful rainforest. A glorious vision of foliage, so wild, so many greens, so many animal noises.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Who did this? Why do this?
MR B:
See this sign? That’s the logo of the Malt Sidney Company. You know? They run amusement parks all over the world. Malt Sidney World, Malt Sidney Land, Malt Sidney Dinosaur Escape Adventure Golf…
JIM:
They’ve built… they’ve built… I don’t, why, it’s…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Hell on earth. What are these buildings?
JIM
It’s a pastiche. No. Wait. It’s a parody of famous landmarks. The Statue of Liberty, the Houses of Parliament, the Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower and an almost full-sized Empire State Building!
MR B:
I don’t like it.
[TWO BEATS]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nor I! Sacrilège! Come! No time for tears! We must find Kong. Nigel! Nigel! Nigel, ici maintenant!
JIM:
Right! We’d better… erm.
MR B:
Yes. We’d better, erm. Get cMac?
S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER
JIM:
That hurt your Majesty!
MR B:
Ouch! Isn’t there an alternative to banging our heads together your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Non.
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. My list of film mashups:
Number one: Titanic Top Gun, Tom Cruise plays semi-naked volley ball on a sinking ship
Number two: Jurassic Furious 19, Vin Diesel races Velociraptors
Number three: Frozen Harry Potter, the wizard is cold and sings an annoying song
Number four: Transformers Love Actually, Michael Bay ruins Christmas
Number five: Reservoir Paddingtons, cute bear mother[BEEPS] robs Harrods.
Number six: Brokeback Terminator, Arnie’s got your back
Number seven: No Country for Old Exorcists.
Number eight: Sean of the Usual Suspects, zombies in a police line-up go bad
Number nine: ET Trainspotting, an alien goes cold turkey
Number ten: La La Land and Shaun the Sheep, make Ba Ba Land
Number eleven: Guardians of the Social Network, blows up Facebook
Number twelve: Forest Taxi Driver, takes you on a rather pleasant taxi ride
That’s all folks.
RIFF: 8
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
JIM:
This notice says. [READING] Welcome to Malt Sidney Skull Island Land. Reach out and we’ll be there. What sort of banal drivel is this sign saying? What the [BEEP] is ‘Island Land’?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Skulls are not fun, nor welcoming.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
What’s that Nigel? You didn’t see anyone? Did you see Kong?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel says, Kong is on the other side of the big pointy building? Good. Let us get him and go back to the vibration boat.
JIM:
Well, this is going to be rather easy.
MR B:
Indeed Mr Jim. Not even a need for cMac! What could go wrong?
JIM:
O’ man, don’t say that! Now everything is going to go wrong.
[TWO BEATS]
S/FX: SUDDEN SOUND OF ROTOR BLADES GETTING VERY LOUD VERY QUICKLY
VOICE:
[ROBOTIC] Welcome to Malt Disney Skull Island Land. [A BEAT] Intruder targets acquired. Arming missiles. Preparing to fire. Firing.
S/FX: WHOOSH OF ROCKETS AND SOUND OF GATTLING GUN
JIM:
Well, this is unexpected.
MR B:
We’re all going to die! And before I’ve had my coffee!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Perhaps I should have worn my armour-plated crown?
S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
Picasso is quoted as saying ‘Everything you can imagine is real’. Not the most pleasant of men but a creative voice. What if you imagine your everyday chore is not real?
Take a walk around a supermarket. Buy a handful of things. All the time assuming yourself in an alternative reality. Or assuming you are an alien observing a new world.
Why is this a tip? Finding ways to look at the same thing a different way is a release. That release will lead to seeing anew.
Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.
RIFF: 9
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: GATTLING GUN AND BULLET RICOCHETS
MR B:
Well, this is a pickle.
JIM:
I’m just wondering how we got into this? And why? And who for? And why?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We are outlaws’ boys. It is our lot as an outlaw podcast defying the laws of time, space and conventions. Vote Monkey!
JIM:
Shouldn’t we do something? Vote Monkey!
S/FX: AN EXPLOSION
MR B:
Vote Monkey! And your suggestion is Mr Jim?
JIM:
We could go back to the vibration boat and…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And not do anything? Leave Kong to the mercy of an entertainment company? They’ll chain him up. Exhibit him for entertainment. They’ll get him spots on tv shows like Hairy Love Island, Naked Gorilla Attraction, Celebrity Pot Stirring or Married at First Bite. We cannot let that happen. We must do what is right for this noble being.
JIM:
Yes. We must stand up for what is right. Say [BEEP] to media manipulators!
MR B:
For all MANKIND!
S/FX: NATIVE DRUMMING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Listen? There are some natives still here, playing the drums.
JIM:
It could be a recording.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Sauve-moi!
MR B:
I would say, with my musician’s hat on, that it’s not a recording.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Is there anything that you can make cMac do that would help Mr b?
JIM:
Anything at all to make a distraction? You know, squirt some hot steamed milk at the attacking drones?
MR B:
Let me look at the cMac app. Well, we could… perhaps not. What about? No. That wouldn’t work. O’, option nine.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Quelle est l'option neuf?
JIM:
What is option nine?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I just said that! Well Mr b? It better not be a flat white.
MR B:
Option nine is this. FIRE!
S/FX: MULTIPLE ROCKETS TAKING OFF AND EXPLODING
JIM:
And option nine is?
MR B:
A screen of ABMs, anti-ballistic missiles. Missiles that destroy missiles. Thought it might be handy. You know, being an outlaw podcast and all that.
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
Yes. Handy.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You are so creative Mr b!
JIM:
What now?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We fetch Kong. We return to the vibration boat. We go home. Follow me.
JIM:
Wait!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is it Mr Jim?
S/FX: SOUND OF ROTORS
MR B:
It’s a massive drone!
S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s got me boys! It’s got me. Save me, mes braves garçons!
JIM:
Hold on your Majesty! We’re coming!
MR B:
We are going to think of something! Soon!
JIM:
Yes! Very soon. Promise!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Quickly! You salad baskets!
S/FX: THE MIGHTY ROAR OF KONG.
MR B:
ISN’T THAT KONG!?
JIM:
Well, it’s not Hugh Jackman in a bearskin jacket.
S/FX: SMALL EXPLOSION
MR B:
What’s Kong doing?
JIM:
Kong is punching the drone!
MR B:
That’a boy Kong!
JIM:
Again Kong! Harder!
MR B:
Great uppercut!
JIM
Kong is winning!
S/FX: SMALL EXPLOSION
MR B:
He’s done it! Attack drone destroyed.
JIM:
Why has her Majesty taken out her iPad Mr b?
MR B:
[SARCASTIC] She’s checking her weather app Jim!
JIM:
I hope it gets cooler. This unrelenting sun is tiring.
S/FX; KONG ROARS AND A SMALL EXPLOSION
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Thank you, Kong. Dear boy. I’m just going to open this app Mr b made,
MR B:
He’s climbing up the Empire State building with her Majesty!
JIM:
I can’t watch! They’re doomed! LOOK! It’s another drone!
S/FX: ATTACK DRONE ROTORS AND MISSLES BEING FIRED
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Shall I call you King or Kong?
VOICE:
Translating.
S/FX: GENTLE GORILLA GRUNTS
KONG:
I don’t mind.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
O’, the Gorilla speak translator works! Well done, Mr b. I can talk to Kong! Where are we going King?
KONG:
We’re going to the top of the tallest building… then we can see all the metal bugs.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Metal bugs? O’, I see. The drones. My, it is very high up here King.
KONG:
My queen.
S/FX: TIME PASSING MUSIC
QUEEN ELEANOR:
My King. I can see the whole of Skull Island. Look! It’s not all been turned into an amusement park. No!
S/FX: ROTOR BLADES
S/FX: THE CRASHING OF METAL A COUPLE OF SMALL EXPLOSIONS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bravo Kong! Bravo! How strong you are…
KONG:
You are beauty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And you King… are… you are… nature.
[TWO BEATS]
MR B:
Do you think they’re coming down Mr Jim?
JIM:
Eventually Mr b. That’s gravity you know.
MR B:
[SOTTO VOCE] Marvellous thing gravity.
S/FX: CRASHING SOUNDS LIKE BUILDINGS BEING DEMOLISHED
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Coffee Jim?
JIM:
Yes please.
MR B:
What was it her majesty said after Kong destroyed the Malt Sidney Skull Island amusement park?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I said, it is nature that creates beauty.
[TWO BEATS]
TONY:
Coming to your ears soon! Season four. Jelly Trumpet! The podcast for outlaws. Vote Jelly Monkeys!
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE
