S03E09 Kong 39

We indulge Jim and his love of movies from the 1930s. The crew make an attempt to save King Kong from the indignity of being a forced circus attraction? Why 39? Listen in dear listener.

Stuff we’ll hear in this episode:

• Jim digging a hole
• A new invention called the Tartrix
• Mr landing on his face
• Native drums
• And a massive horn

Stay Fruity,

Mr Jim & the Jelly Trumpet Crew

Thank you for listening to the Jelly Trumpet Podcast!

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Transcript

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

§ Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward

§ Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly

§ Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode 
 
 

Plus:

§ Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician

§ Spen, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs

§ cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape

§ and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!

Previously on Jelly Trumpet! The crew landed in a town called Rio Goose in an old American western. Mr b lost his memory, the podcast was stranded, the townspeople turned ugly and the crew had to improvise with nothing more than a flock of one thousand and seven geese. 

In episode nine, Kong 39, we indulge Jim and his love of movies from the 1930s. The crew make an attempt to save King Kong from the indignity of being a forced circus attraction? Why 39? Listen in dear listener.

S/FX: SOUND OF DIGGING

MR B:

What are you doing Jim?

JIM:

I’m digging.

MR B:

I know that. I can tell by the shovel in your hands, the mound of earth on the studio floor and the fact you are… digging.

JIM:

O’.

MR B:

Have you finished the script for this episode?

JIM:

Sort of… it’s fabulous!

MR B:

The mound of earth is a mite strange though.

JIM:

How so?

MR B:

Because, Jim, we’re on the first floor. 

JIM:

O’, yes that is odd. Are you sure?

S/FX DOOR OPENING

S/FX NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Good morning boys.

JIM & MR B:

Good morning your Majesty!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Such a queue at Waitrose! They wouldn’t let me in with Nigel. I had to tell them he’s my emotional support squirrel. Anyhow, I have most of what I want for tonight… What is this hole doing in the studio?

JIM:

I was digging a dungeon. 

MR B: 

I am sure Mr Jim. [SARCASTIC] I mean, how did you get here, into the studio?

JIM:

Well, I came up the stairs… O’ I see what you mean. Mmmm odd.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I have a whole truffle smoked salmon, truffle and mushroom pizza, black truffle crisps, truffle infused wild boar, some truffle scotch eggs, and… a truffle. A dungeon? Such a good idea. I miss mine.

JIM:

I was going to use it to put things we don’t like. We shove them in, forget them. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Perfect Mr Jim. 

JIM:

A dungeon reminds me of all those 1930’s movies, you know sword fights, Errol Flynn as Robin Hood, Zorro! Captain Blood… fighting for their lives, damp running down the dungeon walls… King Kong on the rampage, screwball comedies, like the Marx Brothers. Those were the days [HE SIGHS]. Did you know that 1939 is thought to be the greatest year in film history, Gone with the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Stagecoach, those were…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough movie geek! Now, I used my dungeon for, how you say, torture…

JIM

Well, we won’t be doing that.

MR B:

I could use the dungeon to test my new device. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[DISTRACTED AS IF TAKING ITEMS OUT OF A SHOPPING BAG] Spiced Quince and Pear Relish, Gruyere and Rosemary puffs, Salted Caramel Miso Brownies… no whole ox though, I don’t know what Waitrose is coming to…

JIM:

Indeed, your Majesty. A new device Mr b? O’ no, what’s this one do Mr b?

MR B:

It’s a simple alternative universe device. Part the Matrix, part the Tardis. 

JIM:
 What do you call it?

MR B:

The Tartrix. 

TONY: 

Shall I do the trailer now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

One moment Tony. No Mr b. No Tartrix either. Waitrose is going to the chiennes. 

JIM:

Wait! A deep pit full of drama, bitterness, torture, gnawing rats and completely detached from the real world? Sounds familiar… but my pit of horror is unique…

MR B:

Can’t be Mr Jim. Someone’s already invented Facebook. 

JIM:

O’ yes.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Ici! Hand me the roast lobster and truffle baguette…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

I fancy a truffle Scotch Egg.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hit it, Tony!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go...It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

§ Creative challenges!

§ The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview

§ A Micro Sitcom, 'The Start-up'

Plus:

§ Jim's List of the week and creative tips!

§ We play out the episode with 'We Paint Houses' a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff! 

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] Now for a safe haircut. 

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. Throw me the Saffron Butter… carefully…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Brilliant! Nigel has filled my hole with Saffron Butter.  

MR B:

Nigel no! Don’t!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! STAY!

MR B:

Why did Nigel jump down the hole? It’s just butter. Leave it to me. I’ll get him out. I’ll set the Tartrix to now, minus thirty seconds. Blast! My Tartrix has plunged into your hole. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Lucky we had the butter. I’m going after Nigel!

MR B:

No your MAJESTY! 

JIM:

YOUR MAJESTY! The Tartrix! It could be dangerous! 

MR B:

Yes. It will be dangerous. What with the Tartrix having a ‘whatever your heart desires’ force field.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

For the Aquitaine! 

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

[A BEAT]

JIM:

What? What sort of force field? ‘Whatever your heart desires?’ Never mind. Now what Mr b? SCIENCE!? 

MR B:

We could call the Fire Service? 

JIM:

That will take too long! Besides, how do we explain a giant squirrel, Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, your Tartrix and a well-buttered hole? There’s nothing else for it. We’ll have to follow them down. I just hope your Tartrix doesn’t cause any shenanigans Mr b? 

MR B:

Of course, not Mr Jim. I only invent shenanigans free things now. [A BEAT] Are you sure Jim. I mean, you’ve got quite a deep hole…?

JIM: 

We have to save her Majesty and Nigel. I’m going in! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

MR B:

[ANGRY] I haven’t had my coffee yet! O’ very well… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

S/FX:  AN OVERTURE, VIOLINS CLASSIC OPENING TO A 1930S FILM SCORE

JIM:

Hello?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim. I wondered if you would follow?

S/FX: A LOUD THUMP AS MR B LANDS

JIM:

And here’s Mr b.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this place? It is rather dark. 

JIM:

Let me pick up the Tartrix. 

S/FX: STRANGE VIBRATION SOUND

JIM (CONT.): 

Something very strange has shot through my body. This your Majesty? It looks like… a film set. See cameras, a key light, some fill lights and that’s a boom mic?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

But I wonder what year Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, looking at the style of the equipment I’d say a film set in the 1930s or we’re in a museum.

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] I’m fine everybody. Just fine. Luckily, I landed on my face. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No harm done then. 

S/FX: THE DEEP BOOM OF DISTANT ‘NATIVE’ DRUMS

JIM:

Do you think what I imagine happens or maybe I did write this episode? What’s that drumming sound? 

MR B:

You wrote it Jim! Nothing to do with the Tartrix. Nope! Nothing at all to do with my invention!  Drums Jim. Drums! Drums drum. Drums don’t twang!

JIM:

I get they are drums Mr b. I am just trying to ascertain what they could mean. I mean, we’re in some parallel universe, aren’t we? You and your Tartrix … What was that strange vibration that shot through me when I picked up the Tartrix? we could be… anywhere. 

MR B:

My Tartrix? [ULTRA SARCASTIC] Not your fantasy filled head writing bizarre stuff then?

JIM:

Nope! I’m not having it. IT was the Tartrix that put us in this, likely as not, dangerous situation. 

MR B:

Right. Well, it’s an invention in prototype form. Wait! What, exactly, did you have in your head when you picked up the Tartrix? 

JIM:

Nothing.

MR B:

The usual then? 

JIM:

Well, I was… never mind.

MR B:

Out with it! 

JIM:

Well, if you must know I was wondering what it would have been like if they producers had cast me, instead of Samuel L Jackson in ‘Kong: Skull Island.’

MR B:

Well, that explains the native drums then. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

SHUSH! I hear something else.

S/FX: HONK! HONK! [OLD FASHIONED CAR HORN]

[A BEAT]

JIM:

Was that the sound you heard? Your Tartrix doesn’t work anyway. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No.

MR B:

[TRYING TO DISTRACT] I was very nearly killed… killed dead… I assure you I have not created an alternative universe, whatever you may think. It’s Jim’s head fault! [TO HIMSELF] Why am I thinking about Wales?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What the hell’s that!

MR B:

Is it a farmer?

JIM:

O’, dear Mr b is having flashbacks to episode eight. We’ve moved on from Wales Mr b. [TO HIMSELF] Do keep up.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hello, my good man…

MR B:

Apologies Mr Jim, must have been a flashback OR YOU’RE COPYING SCRIPTS and NOT deleting stuff when you write a new episode?

JIM:

Well, erm... OK. Could be. [GUILTY VOICE] Ha Ha.

S/FX: HONK! HONK!

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Who is this man and why does he have a massive horn?

S/FX: HONK! HONK! HONK!

JIM:

It can’t be.

MR B:

It can be you know.

JIM:

Erm, well… he looks like Harpo Marx.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And what is une Marx ‘arpo?

JIM:

Excuse me, are you Harpo Marx?

S/FX: HONK! HONK!

JIM:

It is! Harpo! Loved him and the Marx Brothers, so anarchic…

MR B:

You like my alternative reality now, don’t you, eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Does the ‘arpo, not talk?

JIM:

In the movies no. In reality yes.

MR B:

I don’t think this is reality Mr Jim.

JIM:

The Tartrix you mean?

MR B:

{EVASIVE] Could be. Anyway, we’re in a hole and we appearing to be digging deeper. We could be here awhile.

JIM:

I wonder what he wants? Harpo? Harpo? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I think ‘arpo wants us to follow him.

MR B:

Now I remember! I have NOT had my coffee!

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You should have thought about that before you invented the Tartrix Mr b.

MR B:

Fair point, your Majesty. 

JIM:

Right! This is shenanigans Mr b! We’ll have a word later! We’re going to follow Harpo. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

This is [BEEP]! 

JIM:

Really your Majesty, this is a creative podcast, we use creative language. We encourage the creativity in everyone. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very well. This is creative [BEEP]!

JIM:

Very well, ONWARD!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tony! Announce something.

TONY:

Challenge at home! 

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM: 

This little exercise is called ‘Long Ago’. Take your project and set it, the play, the book, the marketing campaign fifty years ago. What is still relevant? What can’t you use? How does this change the characters and settings, or your thinking about the market or market segments. 

Write an outline, no need for full on detail. What did you learn? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are up to! 

Now back to the [BEEP]!

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this Marx Brothers thing Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, they were vaudeville performers, they made movies, Duck Soup, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera. Back in 1930s and 40s Hollywood.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

So, not at all relevant to the present day?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Er, no. 

MR B:

Well, your Majesty, you’re from 1150 AD, me and Jim, we’re from the 2000’s and we appear to be in the 1930s… So, that’s like the pot calling the colander black…

JIM:

Kettle.

MR B:

Are we having coffee now?

JIM:

No Mr b, the saying is ‘like the pot calling the kettle black’. Now where were we?

S/FX: A BURST OF 1930s ROBIN HOOD STYLE FILM SCORE

ROBIN:

I come seeking justice!

S/FX: SEVERAL SWISHES OF A SWORD

JIM:

I didn’t think we were here.

MR B:

Don’t tell me… Another film character from the 1930s. This is just wish-fulfilment for you, isn’t it, Mr Jim? Is that why you’ve written 1930s Hollywood legends turning up?

JIM:

No Mr b! This is your Tartrix tomfoolery. Explain that vibration when I picked up the Tatrix. Erm, good day good sir!

ROBIN:

Why, tis a good day. A day to fight injustice. A good day to put the rascal Normans to flight!

MR B:

And this is?

JIM:

This is Robin Hood, from The Adventures of Robin Hood, played by the dashing Errol Flynn. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Quelle délicieuse moustache. 

ROBIN:

Hold steady good man Little John!

JIM:

That’s Harpo Marx.

ROBIN:

Nonsense! That was Little John. Where go he?

MR B:

You’re right Mr Jim.

JIM:

Well, Robin of Sherwood must be confused. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He is handsome though. I do enjoy a well-trimmed moustache here and there. 

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMS

JIM:

The drums, the drums, the drums…

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] Repetitive, aren’t they? That’s the whole point… of drums!

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMS VOLUME INCREASES

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now what Nigel?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS 

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: ROBOCAT

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business. 

This episode is: ‘Robocat’ 

THE SCENE: YORKSHIRE WILDLIFE PARK, JUST OUTSIDE THE LAND OF THE TIGER ENCLOSURE

S/FX: BURST OF INTRO MUSIC

OTIS:

Welcome to the Gizmo show. Today we’re live from the Yorkshire Wildlife Park talking animal tech, apps and gadgets. Our special guest today is Mary, a serial entrepreneur from Harpenden in Hertfordshire. Welcome Mary!

MARY:

Thank you, Otis. A pleasure to be here at the Yorkshire Wildlife Park. 

OTIS:

Next to The inspiring Land of the Tiger enclosure. Wonderful creatures, so big, so lithe. Well, Mary, I see you’ve created many innovative products including the iDogger app for dogs and BabyMaker, make up for babies. So, what is your latest product?

S/FX: ROAR OF A TIGER

MARY:

I do love big cats. Such magnificent tigers! Anyway, this is my latest product ‘Robocat.’ A fully programmable robot pet cat and home defence system.

OTIS:

It’s quite large for a pet cat Mary.

S/FX: ROAR OF A TIGER

MARY:

It’s not real Otis. It’s a robot so can be any size, this one is an extra-large prototype, called Kevin.

OTIS:

What does Kevin stand for?

MARY:

Kevin. It’s his name. Note that Kevin is a quadruped, that’s four legs, made of aircraft grade aluminium. The camera is of 48-megapixel quality. Kevin can understand over one hundred and seventeen commands. 

OTIS:

That’s very impressive Mary. What is the purpose of Robocat?

MARY:

Robo Cat has two modes. The first is an always available pet, a recreational device. He sits, he plays with toys, he grooms himself. The second mode is Robo Cat acts as a fully functional home defence system. Note the steel telescopic probe, the search light and the taser, along with the tear gas dispenser and mini missile launchers. 

OTIS:

Taser? Tear gas dispenser? Mini missile launchers? Is this legal Mary?

MARY:

Of course not. It’s made for export only. We estimate the US market will take upwards of five thousand units per annum. Now for the demo.

S/FX: ELECTRICAL ROBOT SOUNDS

OTIS:

What’s Robo Cat going to do for us Mary?

MARY:

Kevin will show his pet qualities. Mode One Kevin. O’, it appears to be stuck in Mode Two. I’ll just adjust…

OTIS:

And what is Mode Two Mary?

VOICE:

‘Dead or alive you are coming with me. You have twenty seconds to comply. Here kitty, kitty, kitty’.  

MARY:

Must be some sort of coding error. What if I try this…

OTIS:

Where’s Kevin going Mary?

MARY:

Kevin appears to have spotted a threat. Goodness knows what that could be?

S/FX: BUZZSAW

OTIS:

NO [BEEP] WHAT’S THAT? WHAT’S KEVIN DOING? 

MARY:

O’, that’s the buzzsaw we fitted for a remake of Robot Wars. O’ dear. Now the tigers are getting out. Shooo! Shooo!

S/FX: TIGERS ROARING

OTIS:

[PANICKING] That’s all we have time for, the Gizmo Show was live… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MARY:

Kevin! Taser!

S/FX: BUZZ OF A TASER

OTIS

AAAAAHHHHHHH! WHY DID YOU TASER ME?

MARY:

Well, Otis. We can’t taser a wild tiger. That would be cruel. 

S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

S/FX NATIVE DRUMMING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I wonder if Waitrose will still be open when we get back? I forgot the truffle for Nigel’s nuts. 

MR B:

Mr Jim! Have you written us into another of your fantasies? 

JIM:

Well…

MR B:

You have, haven’t you? Typical. We’ll have to get a script editor you know? One who is a bit more up to date with their movie choices… AND sensible.

JIM:

A bit sensible. Wait! What? What do you mean ‘up to date?’ I am up to date. What has sensible got to do with Jelly Trumpet!? O’, and the Tartrix has nothing to do with this?!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will go towards the sound of the drums.

MR B:

You’re as up to date as a Bakelite wireless playing episode two of The Archers. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough bickering! Come. ‘arpo and the Robin went through there. 

JIM:

We’ll need… erm.

MR B:

Coffee Jim. We need COFFEE!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My brave boys come here.

JIM:

Yes, your Majesty?

MR B:

Yes, your Majesty?

S/FX: THE SOUND OF TWO HEADS BEING KNOCKED TOGETHER

JIM:

Ahhhhhhhwwww! 

MR B:

Awwwwww! What was that for?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You Mr b, will be patient. We will find coffee.

JIM:

What about me?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are not paying enough attention to the scripts AND you keep fulfilling your fantasies. Vous petit déjeuner bap. 

MR B:

True.

JIM:

Well, OK…

S/FX: THE SOUND OF TWO HEADS BEING KNOCKED TOGETHER

MR B:

Awwwwww! What was that for?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My pleasure. 

MR B:

Fair play.

JIM:

Fair enough. 

S/FX: FADE NATIVE DRUMMING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

So, Mr Jim is fulfilling his fantasies, Mr b may have gone a step too far with the Tartrix and is in dire need of strong coffee and her Majesty is her usual magnificence. What will our confused crew do next? 

Now Rufus Tiger Taylor on a triangle. 

S/FX: DING OF A TRIANGLE 

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME

JIM:

In this episode of 7 Questions in 7 Minutes I will be interviewing people about their secret creative hobby. This episode we are talking to Rose Goodbite, a Bikini-Wrangler on the show Love Island. 

MR B:

Erm…

JIM:

So, where is Rose Mr b. Did an unexpected Tsunami wash her down St Albans High Street?

MR B:

Well, no Mr Jim. It would appear she had second thoughts and is now… well, she’s writing books for children. 

JIM:

What is it with minor celebs and writing books for children? How come, eh? So, anyone can write children’s books, eh? I mean, it’s just smaller words, eh?

MR B:

They make money Mr Jim. [A BEAT] You’ve never made money from your writing have you Jim?

JIM:

Sometimes Mr b, you are just heartless. 

MR B:

Sometimes the truth hurts Mr Jim.

S/FX: A PUNCH TO THE BODY

JIM:

Why did you punch me in the chest?

MR B:

Because I can’t reach your big head.

JIM:

Thank you, Mr b., I was going to ask Rose about her famous backless and frontless bikini. I mean, how does that work?

MR B:

O’, Jim, you’ve got to get better at thinking, eh?

JIM:

[SIGHING HEAVILY] O’ I see now, golly. Let’s move on. 

FADE TO JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND TO NEXT RIFF

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF NATIVE DRUMS

MR B:

GOOD GOD!

JIM:

I don’t believe this. Quick Mr b, your Majesty…

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

What is this creature? 

JIM:

I believe that’s King Kong. 

MR B:

He’s a big chap.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is he for Mr Jim? 

JIM:

Well, if you ask me, King Kong is a metaphor for everyman. Exploited, belittled, controlled and exposed to the cynical control of the mass media. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He is noble of brow, brave and I believe a peaceful creature. We will rescue him!

JIM:

Erm…

MR B:

About the coffee your Majesty?

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

•               Music from ‘We Paint Houses’

•               And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to invent five new words or phrases to describe someone you love. O’, we’ll deduct points AND coffee for anything cheesy. Go! 

JIM:

I have to what? 

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Keep your word invention high people like Mr Jim. He’s great.

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

JIM:
 Sorry Mr b. Didn’t hear the last part. 

MR B:

I said you were great.

JIM:

You’re just trying to butter me up.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No more butter gags!

JIM:

Butter gag? How would that work. I mean it would m…

MR B:

Moving on…

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: BACKGROUND NATIVE DRUMMING

JIM:

Well, your Majesty. I do agree, he is noble and worth saving from media exploitation but he is around twenty-four feet tall and, erm, we’ve no space in the Jelly Trumpet studio. 

MR B:

Twenty-four feet, that’s four point three Jodie Whittaker’s, or put it another way that’s three point six Stormzys, now in Nigels that would be seven point…

JIM:

Yes, Mr b! We get it. King Kong is very… tall. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will take him back with us…

JIM:

To St Albans? He’ll stand out like a lumberjack-bearded hipster standing in a bowl of Angel Delight.

MR B:

Loving your similes Mr Jim.

JIM:

Thank you, Mr b. 

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel. Now how do we get the magnificent Kong away from those aggressive drummers and back to the studio?

JIM:

He won’t fit in the studio your Majesty. Remember that time we invited Greg Davies into the studio. He wouldn’t fit and had to crawl into the studio on all fours?

MR B:

He did make the perfect dining table for twelve though.

JIM:

Yes he did!

MR B: 

Three point two.

JIM:

What?

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:
 King Kong. He’s three point two Greg Davies. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys. Come here.

S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER

JIM:

Awwwwwwh! We rather walked into that one Mr b. 

MR B:

I wonder why we keep falling for it? 

S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC 

RIFF: 7

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will find somewhere where Kong will fit in and not cause, how you say, a kerfuffle. Bon! 

MR B:

Tricky. 

JIM:

Very tricky. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Somewhere abandoned perhaps?

MR B:

Like Hemel Hempstead? 

JIM:

Or Hatfield?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He’s a herbivore you imbéciles de poisson! 

JIM

How about Scotland? There’s a place called Knoydart, miles from anywhere. He could start a travel lodge. 

MR B:

Or there’s Yorkshire. Lots of places far from anywhere. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys…

JIM:

O dear. 

MR B:

This is going to hurt.

S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER

JIM:

I’m fine with that.

MR B:

I accept. 

JIM:

Right. Erm, how about we use the Tartrix!

MR B:

Well…

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Bravo! Progresser enfin!

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC 

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. My list of most wanted apps for smart devices…

Number one: Wisdom, saves you from writing idiot posts on social networks. 

Number two: Wisdom Lock, recognises how drunk you are and hiding messaging apps

Number three: RoyalWarrant, removes all mention of royalty for a whole year. 

Number four: CatCoach, teaches you how to ignore a cat before they ignore you.  

Number five: CalorieNoNotice, removes calorie counts from your sight.

Number six: LeafCounter, counts leaves when you are on a walk to the pub. 

Number seven: MeetingMonitor, projects a hologram, so you can leave the meeting and do something useful. 

Number eight: CoffeeColour, advises on the best colour for your coffee.

Number nine:  TrafficLightZapper, instantly turn traffic lights green  

Number ten: AwardGiver, instantly win an award for doing nothing in particular.    

Number eleven: DisneyMaker, turn everyone in your meeting to a Disney character. Turn your boss into a real Goofy.

Number twelve: JellyTrumpet App, forget the real world for an hour and bath in silliness.

Jelly Trumpet plugged! 

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix, we go back in time. We collect, erm something to hide Kong in. We return collect Kong and take him to a remote UK location where he can spend his life in herbivore peace. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Let us do that! Mr b! The button!

MR B:

Well, there’s a slight hair in the ointment moment here. You see, the Tartrix can only go back thirty seconds. I mean I’m working on it….

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 What good is that petit pieds?   

JIM:

WHAT? WHAT GOOD IS THAT? Then use the Jelly Trumpet podcast!

MR B:

We’re not in the podcast, are we? We’re in some alternative, wish fulfilment, universe of your writing!

JIM:
 Because of the Tartrix! Thirty seconds. Not much good, is it?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys.

JIM & MR B:

Sorry your Majesty.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Play the creative medicine tip!

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

This is short. A quote from Ernest Hemmingway. ‘Have something to say. Write the truest sentence you know.’ That’s it.

Let us know how your true sentence, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform. 

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds.

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix…

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds. 

JIM:

Wait! 

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix…

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds. 

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds. 

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Assez d'enfants. We will discount the Tartrix. We need another plan.

JIM:

I’ve thought of something. We need a diversion, then we need to entice Kong and, well, make our way back to the studio on foot. 

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMMING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Excellent Mr Jim. What is the diversion and how do we entice the big fellow?

JIM:

I haven’t got that far.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sauve-moi! 

S/FX: HONK HONK OF A CAR HORN

JIM:

That’s it we use…

ROBIN:

Hail good fellow! Have you seen any rascal, Normans? I fancy a fair old fight!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ce que le?

JIM:

Got it! Sir Robin! All those chaps over there, playing native drums? They are rascal Normans in disguise!

ROBIN:

Have at them! Little John follow me. Into the fray we go! HUZZAH!

S/FX: HONK HONK OF HORN

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Well, I never…

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND 

JIM:

Why did you slap me? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s for your own good. Don’t forget this. This time you did something clever. 

MR B:

Can I have one?

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND 

JIM:
 Why did you want a slap Mr b. 

MR B:
 It makes me forget about coffee. 

S/FX: A DISTURBED CROWD SHOUTING 

MR B:

It would seem that Sir Robin and Harpo have put the natives to flight. 

JIM:

Yes!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Excellent. Now we need some enticement for the grand gars. I have it! In my bag. I was going to take this back to Waitrose for a refund. 

JIM:

What have you got there your Majesty? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s three family packs of truffle-free Microgreens! A tasty garden treat.

JIM:

Fantastic.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Here Mr Kong. I mean here boy. Here Mr King… Oooooo!

S/FX: GORILLA SOUND

JIM:

Kong! Put her down!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He has such a delicate touch! Hello big boy. 

MR B:

Shouldn’t we do something? I mean, her Majesty is wrapped in Kong’s massive hand. 

JIM:

He’s a gentle soul Mr b. I think her Majesty is perfectly safe.

MR B:

O’, look Kong is nibbling her Majesty’s tasty garden. 

JIM:

Which of us can say that eh?

MR B:

Now if I push the button…

JIM:

No Mr b!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are delightful Kong. Such a strooooong hand [GIGGLES]. 

MR B:

I’ve fixed it!

S/FX: A WHOOSH SOUND

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Told you I fixed it.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. A great bit of fixing. How did you fix the Tartrix? 

MR B:

Easy. I hit it with my hammer. What an effort though, to get Kong back to St Albans. 

S/FX: WHISTLING

JIM:

Well, he is twenty-four feet tall. Did you leave the window open Mr b?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And so gentle.

JIM:

Where is Kong now your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

‘e is in the garden playing catch with Nigel. 

MR B:
 I didn’t see a ball with them. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You misunderstand Mr b. Kong is playing catch WITH Nigel.

S/FX: RAMPED UP MAD CHIRPPING WHICH GROWS LOUD THEN FADES AWAY. THEN GROWS LOUDER AND FADES AWAY. REPEAT ONCE MORE

MR B:

Nigel seems to be enjoying that. Up and down like on a trampoline. Kong is very good at catching. Nigel must be reaching the height of four, no, five point eight Greg Davies. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a catchy squirrel.

MR B:

Now, what are we going to do with a twenty-four-foot squirrel-catching squirrel in St Albans?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nothing.

JIM:

Because he fits in. 

MR B:

Yes. He does. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Like a foot in a glove.

JIM & MR B:

Quite.

S/FX: NIGEL GOING UP AND DOWN

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE