S03E08 Rio Goose

Mr b loses his memory and thinks the podcast is going to Wales. The locals are suspicious of our heroes and set out to run them out of town on a rail!

Stuff we’ll hear in this episode:

• A screaming goose
• Queenie wonders why Jim has a shotgun down his trousers. 
• Exactly how much coffee is on the coffee shelf in the coffee cupboard
• A surprise monster

Stay Fruity, 

Mr Jim & the Jelly Trumpet Crew

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Transcript

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

§ Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward

§ Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly

§ Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode 
 
 

Plus:

§ Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician

§ Spen, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs

§ cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape

§ and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!

Previously on Jelly Trumpet! The crew discovered a conspiracy generating factory on the English coast. Thankfully. Sherlock Holmes deduced the threat while Mr Jim explained that he knew who was behind the QAnon conspiracies. 

In episode eight, Rio Goose Mr b has lost his memory due to an incident with the podcast starter motor and the crew lands in the early 19th century in the western town of Rio Goose. Will they survive, will they be lynched, why are there so many geese in Rio Goose? 

JIM:

And this is Mr b?

MR B:

That’s my mixing desk.

JIM:

What about this? 

MR B:

That’s the cupboard we keep JB; the singer in the cupboard.

JIM:

Who is this?

MR B:

I’m fine now you know…

JIM:

Mr b?

MR B:

Queen, erm, Queen errr… Eleanor!

JIM:

And that?

MR B:

A squirrel. A squirrel the size of a St Bernard. Don’t tell me… it’s Nigel!

JIM:

Excellent Mr b.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’m not sure if Mr b has fully recovered…

JIM:

I think one more test. Then we’ll know if Mr b has fully recovered his memory. Right, Mr b! How much coffee do we have left in the podcast?

MR B: 

Erm… two packs Fresh Roasted Tanzanian Peaberry, one and a half packs Cooper’s Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Aged, two cups worth of Koa Swiss Water Decaf and one sack of Organic French Roast Whole Bean. You will find them all on the coffee shelf in the coffee cupboard.

JIM:

Excellent Mr b!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well done, Mes petits pieds!

JIM:

That was rather exhausting. I didn’t think we’d ever get back to the podcast. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Moi aussi, Mr Jim. Especially as Mr b lost his memory. That was an adventure I do not wish to repeat. Fancy, a town in the old west of America called Rio Goose, filled with thousands of geese? Nor should you put a shotgun down your trousers ever again!

JIM:

It was a tight fit but it was jolly useful having a shotgun shoved down my trouser leg. I felt quite manly. Rio Goose home of the largest goose market in New Mexico, never again! Who’d have thought, eh? Well, we can relax now. No more of the old west for us!

S/FX: BANJO PLAYING [SIMILAR TO DUELING BANJOS FROM THE MOVIE DELIVERENCE]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where did Nigel get a Banjo? Nigel! Enough!

JIM

He must have brought it back with him from Rio Goose.

S/FX: SOUND OF A HARMONICA

MR B:

It’s all coming back Mr Jim!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Put it down Nigel! No more instruments from the past. It could cause some harm…

JIM:

What’s coming back Mr b?

MR B:

Things! Things are coming back!

S/FX: SOUND OF LONE WHISTLER, SPAGEHTTI WESTERN VIBE

TONY: 

Shall I do the trailer now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non, Tony. 

JIM:

Now then Mr b. We’re all good. We’re safe, no more baddies, no more dusty old frontier town. We are not in Rio Goose anymore. We’re in St Albans. We have Internet and smart toothbrushes with Bluetooth. Let’s have a coffee, eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Mr b. All is good. Say no to these memories like a good chap?

MR B:

Musical cliches!

JIM:

Eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Get off the piano!

S/FX: SOUND OF A SALOON PIANO

JIM:

No Nigel! You’ll set off a FLASHBACK!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now, now Mr b! No more evocative music Nigel! Hit it, Tony!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go...It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

§ Creative challenges!

§ The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview

§ A Micro Sitcom, 'The Start-up'

Plus:

§ Jim's List of the week and creative tips!

§ We play out the episode with 'We Paint Houses' a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff! 

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I love Gary Grant. 

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: SOUND OF A FALSHBACK [HARP PERHAPS]

S/FX: SOUND OF A SALOON PIANO

S/FX: LOW BABBLE OF VOICES AND PIANO PLAYS UNDER THE DIALOUGE

JIM:

I have a bad feeling about this your Majesty. A saloon with sawdust on the floor and every last one of these fellows is wearing a gun.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We must find help for Mr b. We can’t leave him in the wagon much longer. I’m sure they won’t shoot you for asking about a doctor.

JIM:

Right. Well, here it goes. 

MR B:

Is this the railway station? 

JIM:

For pity’s sake! Your Majesty, please take Mr b back to the wagon.

MR B:

[GETTING PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER AND SHRILLER] I’m going to Wales. I like Wales. Wales is so green! What time is the next train? DOES IT HAVE A BUFFET CAR?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come with me Mr b. I’ll get you some water. You can have a lie down ma petite pieds. 

MR B:

Who’s Mr b? Do I like water? How do you lie down? 

S/FX: FEET ON WOODEN FLOOR, SWING DOORS

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

[CLEARING HIS THROAT QUIETLY] Ahem!

S/FX: THE ROOM GOES QUIET

[A BEAT]

S/FX: THE HAMMER OF A GUN BEING COCKED

JIM:

I’m not from around here.

ELLIS:

You’re not from around here. 

JIM:

[JOYOUS] That’s right. I just said…

ELLIS:

We don’t like strangers. We don’t like strangers when the goose market is in town.

JIM: 

Goose market? O’, yes, seems to be thousands of them out there. All those pens full of big white gooses. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I wondered if there was a doctor we could see. Not Doc Holiday of course. I mean he was just a dentist…

ELLIS:

Just a dentist huh? I’m a dentist mister! 

S/FX:  A COUPLE OF SMALL DOG YAPS

JIM:

Ahh! Nothing against dentists! I assure you, really! My friend, Mr b, he has a head injury…

ELLIS:

You glad to see me mister?

JIM:

Erm… o’ that! t’s something I picked up on the, er… trail. Popped it down my trousers to keep it safe. An easy mistake to make. Anyway, my colleague…

ELLIS:

Colleague! You a communist? Well mister? 

JIM:

What? No, Eh? My colleague… I means my… erm.. compañero hit his head.

MR BOEUF:

Just one minute Ellis. You ain’t welcome in Rio Goose. Get outta town mister before we run you out of Rio Goose, on a rail. 

S/FX: HAMMERS ON GUNS BEING COCKED

JIM:

Surely, we can talk. 

MR BOEUF:

Gonna count to three mister. Then I’m gonna shoot ya!

JIM:

Well, let me think. [A BEAT] No thank you. Erm! Erm! Erm! Is that an outrageously expensive mirror above the bar?

S/FX: SLIGHT SCRAPPING OF CHAIRS ON A WOODEN FLOOR

MR BOEUF:

What the hell?

JIM:

This is what I had down my trousers.

ELLIS:

That there’s an 1882 Spencer-Roper pump-action shotgun Mr Boeuf. 

JIM:

Right! Well, erm… come with me Mr Boeuf!

MR BOEUF:

Well dang!

S/FX: LOUD BABBLE OF VOICES

S/FX: SWING DOORS

S/FX FEET ON WOOD SIDEWALK

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is this Mr Jim? And why are you pointing your large weapon at this man?

[A BEAT]

JIM:

Bouef. This is Mr Bouef and he’s coming with us. Get in the wagon! 

MR BOEUF:

Well, howdy ma’am, Wayne T. Boeuf at your service. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Don’t patronise me Mr [MOTHERFUCKING – BEEPED OUT] Beef. In the wagon! Mr Jim, we ride…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR BOEUF:

What the hell’s that!

MR B:

We’re going to miss the train to Cardiff Central. I hear Conway Castle is worth a visit in Spring.

JIM:

Not now Mr b. That’s Nigel Mr Beef. Yes, he’s a squirrel. Yes, he’s the size of a St Bernard dog. Yes, he bites. Yes, that’s his harmonica. Your Majesty, about your swearing…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shut the [BEEP] UP! Where to Mr Jim? We can’t outrun the whole of [BEEPING] Rio Goose.

MR B:

Conway Castle contains the most intact set of medieval royal apartments in Wales.

JIM:

We’ll find somewhere to hold up. Get Mr b to recover. He fixes the podcast buttons and refills the battery. Then we get back to St Albans. Simple when you think about it!

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Fine. 

JIM:

O’ GOD! You said ‘fine’. I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Un baril de merde profonde. 

MR B:

I like your hat. I had a hat once.

MR BOUEF:

What’s the matter with him?

JIM:

Erm, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim hit him round the head with the podcast starter motor, did you not Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, yes. I hit him round the head, accidently, with the podcast starter motor.

MR B:

What’s a podcast? Is it Welsh for something? Portaloo perhaps?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! WE RIDE!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: HORSE HARNESS CLINKING FOLLOWED BY HORSE HOOVES ON HARD GROUND

JIM:

Right. Right then. Well, we need, we need a safe place, a safe place where we can reform Mr b’s memory. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Reform? Reform his memory? What the [BEEP] are you [BEEPING] talking about you [BEEP]!

MR B:

Swans! Lots of swans are we going to Swansea then?

JIM:

No Mr b. We are not going to Swansea and those are geese. 

MR B:

Swansea has a Dylan Thomas centre.

S/FX: PING OF BULLET RICOCHETS 

JIM:

Does it Mr b…?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where the [BEEP] are we going you [BEEPING] [BEEP]?

JIM:

There! That brick building with bars on the windows. Looks like the jail. We can talk to the sheriff perhaps. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP]!

MR B:

Can we do a boat trip? The Gower Peninsula is crammed with wildlife. Razorbills, Oystercatchers, dolphins and many, many molluscs. 

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What ever happened to the strong western hero silent type like Gary Cooper?

MR BOEUF:

There aint’ no escape. You-all gonna die. 

JIM:

Gary Cooper in High Noon was a great western your Majesty. John Wayne thought it a trifle socialist though. Mind you he was one step to the right of Genghis Khan, perhaps why Mr Wayne played Genghis Khan in the movie ‘The Conqueror’ in 1956.  Your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Less movie geek! [BEEP]! Yes?

JIM:

I think you should refrain from watching endless episodes of ‘The Sopranos’ on your iPad, it’s affecting your language,  

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP] Off.

JIM:

We’ll come back to this. Now! Is that a jailhouse? It is! Everyone in the jailhouse. Yes, you too Mr Boef. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now what Gary?

JIM:

Eh? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] Cooper.

TONY:

Challenge at home! 

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM: 

This challenge is called ‘Blind Portraits.’ You’ll need a partner. Sit in front of each other with pen or pencil and paper. 

Focus on one part of your partner and start drawing. BUT! Do not look at the paper. Draw in one continuous line. Concentrate on how your hand moves in relation to the partner’s face. Continue observing and adding details for 5 minutes. 

How did you manage to capture the details and feel the space on the paper? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode. 

Now back to Rio Goose.

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim, take Mr b inside the jail. I will hide the wagon round the back and secrete this garçon de boeuf somewhere; with the help of Nigel and his needle-like teeth. 

JIM:

Right. Erm, Mr b! 

S/FX: SOUND OF HORSE HARNESS

MR BOEUF:

Wait a dang minute…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! Les dents!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS. LOUD CHATTERING OF TEETH

MR BOEUF:

Dang! Those are some teeth boy!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

That’s a sign you don’t see every day. [READING] ‘Property of the Mocha-Cola & ACME Goose Food Accelerant Company’. Well, fancy that…

MR B:

What did you say? Mr bald person?

JIM:

I was just reading what was on the back of the wagon. Right! The jail Mr b! Then we’ll be safe. Don’t mention the hair, eh? 

MR B:

I won’t because you don’t have any. This isn’t Wales.

JIM:

Get in the jail… you… you… you… MOLLUSC!

S/FX: SQUEAKING OF AN IRON DOOR

MR B:

What sort of mollusc? A Scaphopoda? A Gastropoda? WHOOPS!

S/FX: WAGON MOVING OFF

JIM:

Sheriff! Sheriff! Thank God! Are you the sheriff of this town?

TEBOR:

[GROANS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. BECAUSE HE IS A MONSTER]

JIM:

I see. Erm, are you a mute perhaps?

TEBOR:

[GROANS] 

JIM:

So, are you the sheriff? Do you know where the sheriff is? 

TEBOR:

[GROANS] 

 DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nein. He is not the sheriff. He is my creation, Tebor!

JIM:

O’, I see. 

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nein! You don’t see.

MR B:

O’, you’re German.

DOCTOR EAGLE:

NEIN! I am from Liechtenstein. I am a Liechtensteiner! Why can no one get this correct?!

JIM:

O’, I am sorry. We need help. The townspeople are out to do us, erm… harm, er Mr?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Doctor! Doctor Eagle and this is my creation, Tebor.

S/FX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN

DOCTOR EAGLE:

And who is this? 

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: DEIDRE’S DEN

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business. 

This episode is: ‘’Deidre’s Den’ 

THE SCENE: AN OLD RESTORED WAREHOUSE WITH EXPOSED BRICK AND FUNKY LIGHTING

S/FX: BURST OF A DRAMATIC TUNE

VOICE OVER:

Mary is next into the den. Will she get the funding she needs for her latest consumer business to hit the high street?

NOAH:

[LANCASHIRE ACCENT] Welcome to Deidre’s Den. Bolton’s answer to the namby-pamby, prissy, frilly, willy, silly, lily, chilli, dilly Dragon’s Den, thou southern prattle-stick.

MARY:

I’m Mary.

NOAH:

On my right we have Captain Curtis Longarm, made his money selling picnic baskets to Somali pirates, to his right is Dame Mavis Patel, queen of chutney and scented naan bread. Over here on my left is Fancy Frank Robinson, he only invests in things beginning with an ‘s’.’ Then there’s me, Noah Howarth, investor in Hip-Hop and South African manganese mines. Off you go then Ms.

MARY:

Thank you, Noah. As I said I’m Mary and I have a proposition for the, er… ‘Deidres’. I’m seeking an investment of two-hundred thousand pounds for a ten percent stake in this!

S/FX: VARIOUS GASPS

NOAH:

What the hell is that?

MARY:

This is a mock-up of my latest creation, hot cup. I’m not quite sure I’ve found the right name. There’s another word, I’m sure. On the tip of my tongue. No. It’s gone. Today, in our mixed up, fast-moving world, the majority of people walking the high street want some refreshment other than coffee.

S/FX: MUMBLES OF DISAPPROVAL

VOICE:

I’m out!

MARY:

Lady and gentlemen, I give you our high street campaign for ‘Hot Cup!’

NOAH:

Hot Cup?!

MARY:

That is correct Mr Noah, ‘Hot Cup!’. As you can see from the illustration, a big cup, some might say a big mug full of what I call…erm, ‘hot veggie smoothie’.

VOICE:

Hot veggie smoothie, southern nonsense?! I’m out!

MARY:

On every high street, we’ll see ‘The Hot Cup’ logo. Customers will flock to the place in winter AND in summer we’ll do the ‘cold veggie smoothie’, with ice and a very wide straw…

NOAH:

Wide straw?

MARY:

Yes. A wide straw. We’ve found in our tests that potatoes, in particular, can stick in small holes.

NOAH:

‘Hot veggie smoothie’, reminds me of something. What could it be?

MARY:

And of course, there will be various upsell opportunities, courgette crisps, pear sandwiches, grilled kale in flourless bread, reusable hemp napkins and of course Guacamole balls. 

VOICE:

What’s a Guacamole ball? 

MARY:

Some call it an avocado. 

NOAH:

O’! ‘Hot veggie smoothie’ is not that catchy a name. I’m sure there’s a better name. I don’t see it selling. I’m out.

MARY:

O’… but… Fancy Frank?

[TWO BEATS]

FANCY FRANK:

I’m in.

NOAH:

Are you mad Frank? You don’t know what this ‘hot veggie smoothie’ is… and it doesn’t begin with an ‘s’.

FANCY FRANK:

‘Hot veggie smoothie?’ That’s soup… everyone loves soup.

MARY:

O’, soup… that’s the word I was looking for…

S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I am Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine and you?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

I am the world-renowned Doctor Igor Eagle.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

O’, you’re German…

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nien! Ich bin ein Liechtensteiner!  

JIM:

Your majesty, where is Mr Boeuf?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a guard squirrel. He is, erm, guarding the boeuf…

MR B:

Hello, I’m. Well, I’m… I’m not sure who I am actually but I’m sure I’m a jolly nice chap.

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

JIM:

You are a jolly nice chap Mr b. I wouldn’t bother with Tebor, he appears to be an experiment. 

MR B:

An experiment! I think I like experiments…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where is the sheriff, Doctor?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

He was run out of town yesterday, on a rail, he looked at a goose the wrong way. 

JIM:

Well, this is a tight spot. Thank heavens the towns people don’t know where we are.

S/FX: BULLETS RICOCHETING

MR B:

I always thought the Welsh were a friendly people.

JIM:

[ANGRY] For the last time Mr b. We are not in Wales; we are not going to Wales. Wales is way, way, way beyond the HORIZON!

DOCTOR EAGLE:

You better leave. 

JIM:

Can’t do that doctor. I have a fear of geese, and, erm, grisly death. I mean peaceful death isn’t that great either.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s only death Mr Jim. 

JIM:

Only death? I mean this is meant to be a peace-loving podcast. An outlaw podcast granted but Jelly Trumpet is a peace-loving podcast at the end of the day. What on earth has happened? Did I write this?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, perhaps you should write us into somewhere safe with a coffee machine. 

MR B:

We could hide in Snowdonia behind the Ranges Motorsport Centre? They do a good coffee.

JIM:

Well, it doesn’t do us any good does it? Whatever I write turns into a mind-melt…-ing disaster!

MR B:

O’, look there’s someone coming to the door. He appears to be holding a white flag. Strange.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How strange Mr b?

MR B:

The white flag now appears to be bright orange.

JIM:

EH?

S/FX: BREAKING GLASS AND A WHOOSH OF FLAMES

TONY:

What a pretty palaver. Will Mr b recover his memory? Who is Doctor Eagle and what is he doing in Rio Goose? Does Nigel bite?  [YAWNS] eh? Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest. 

I love the occasional goose.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME

JIM:

In this episode of 7 Questions in 7 Minutes I will be interviewing people about their secret creative hobby. This episode we are talking to Vladimir Putin, President of all the Russia and some other countries he invited himself to, about his joy of knitting.

MR B:

Erm…

JIM:

Yes Mr b?

MR B:

He’s, well, he’s not here. Something came up he said. O’, did you order these cups of tea?

JIM:

No Mr b. I would never order tea in the morning. Coffee or nothing. What came up? Did Vlad P. say?

MR B:

Something about evading France.

JIM:

Evading France? That’s easy. France is a big country; you can just go around it. 

MR B:

These cups of tea are VERY hot!

JIM:

Damn it! If you can’t trust a murdering despot, who can you trust?

MR B:

That would be Baroness Floella Benjamin. I’ve never seen a tea mug that glows before.

JIM:

O’ God yes. You can trust Floella till the cows become plastic-wrapped packets of steak in the supermarket. O’ well. I mean Vlad P would have been interesting. I was going to ask him what was on his mood board? Also, why he only knits with 3mm galvanised steel wire?

MR B:

Well, if you don’t want the tea. I’ll put it down the sink.

S/FX: TEA BEING POURED. A SIZZLE SOUND FOLLOWED BY A SMALL BANG

JIM:

Red coloured tea Mr b. How odd.

MR B:

[SURPRISED] Jim. The sink has melted.

JIM:

That’s why, Mr b, we’ll stick to coffee. 

FADE TO JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND TO NEXT RIFF 

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC

S/FX: A GOOSE HONKS

S/FX: A BUCKET OF WATER BEING THROWN

MR B:

What was that?

JIM:

Doctor Eagle has just squeezed a goose full of water over the kerosene bomb. 

DOCTOR EAGLE: 

Luckily, I have trained MY GEESE to be multipurpose!  I suggest we secure the building. Barricade the door!

JIM:

Jolly good! Mr b, help me with this cupboard!

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

DOCTOR EAGLE:

No Tebor! Make some coffee.

JIM:

Coffee?

MR B:

I know I like coffee.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They are more of them gathering outside. Looks like all the people in the town are out front. 

JIM:

Perhaps they’ll listen to reason…

S/FX: SMASHING WINDOW

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Then again, perhaps not…

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

•               Music from ‘We Paint Houses’

•               And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to tell the listeners a story containing your most favourite words. O’, and ending in a motorway service station near Brighton. 

JIM:

What? Brighton? 

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Keep honing those story skills Mr Jim!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: GEESE HONKING

JIM:

There must be close to a thousand geese in that pen. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Oui, Mr Jim. They are getting restless. I hope they don’t ‘spook’, you know, stampede. 

JIM:

Do geese stampede?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bien sûr. I’ve seen it many times in the Aquitaine. 

MR BOEUF:

Them’s Giant Dewlap geese. Biggest goose in the world, must be twenty pounds a’ piece. You better not spook them mister. 

JIM:

Why so many geese Mr Boeuf? 

MR BOEUF:

Now that would be telling [LAUGHS MANICALLY].

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Keep an eye on our guest… You know in some places in my lands they set fire to geese and….

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

NO! NO! NO! We’ll not be setting fire to geese.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel. You can play for a bit.

S/FX: SOUND OF A HARMONICA

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is wrong with a… hot goose?

JIM:

Nothing wrong with a ‘hot goose’ that’s dispatched humanly and cooked, then served with roasties and bread sauce. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sounds divine, with some trifle and extra cream and Crème de cassis for déserte.

JIM:

And a nice Beaujolais. 

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

It’s a shame we can’t have that now. 

JIM:

Yes. It’s better we concentrate on avoiding death. 

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:
 Excuse me both? Is it a good thing that someone is chopping through the front door with an axe?

S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC 

RIFF: 7

S/FX: MUSIC FOR A MOMENT IN TIME FOR 2 – 3 BEATS

S/FX: WOOD BEING CHOPPED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They will break in any moment!

MR B:

This is bad, isn’t it?

JIM:

Yes Mr b. This is very bad.

DR EAGLE:

STAND BACK!

JIM:

Yes. Let’s step back. Is this the end of Jelly Trumpet? What a way to go. I always thought I’d be in bed filled with pleasure not set upon by angry townsfolk armed with guns and pitchforks. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Well, Mr Jim it’s been a lot of fun. So, this is how it ends for the Queen of the Aquitaine… Merde. 

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

MR B:

O’, look coffee. 

JIM:

Lovely aroma. Is it an Arabica bean?

TEBOR::

[GROANS]

DR EAGLE:

Tebor! The screaming goose!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough with the [BEEPING] coffee!

JIM

Just a sip your Majesty?

MR B:

A soupson, a hint, an iota, an inkling, perhaps a tincture…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What’s happened to Mr b?

JIM:

O dear. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is it Mr Jim. Why is Mr b spouting synonyms?

MR B:

SYSTEM RESTORE! 

JIM:

He’s resetting. The fear of death has made him reboot.  Currently he’s reloading the English language. 

MR B:

Loading language. English UK, English American, English International? 

JIM:

English UK OF COURSE! 

MR B:

Loading English UK. 

DR EAGLE:

Tebor! Release the SCREAMING GOOSE!

S/FX: A SCREAMING GOOSE

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC 

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. A list of alternative social networks for alternative people. 

Number one: DadNap, for dads to share post Sunday lunch sleeping tips. 

Number two: FacePaper, share your favourite newspaper faces

Number three: Bitter, send bitters 112 character of sadness and angst.

Number four: MyTube, for adults only.  

Number five: TikTotCats, designed for toddlers who lick cats

Number six: SnapBat, picture sharing for bat lovers and cricketers 

Number seven: EMuskMusic, for those that like the sound of rich people having a breakdown 

Number eight: InstaNigelFarage, for anyone wanting to destroy stuff for self-gain.

Number nine:  DiscordDisconnect, be anti-social with other people on your own server

Number ten: Pint-Interest, for anyone that likes a pint.    

Number eleven: ReadItAlready for those that think they know something

Number twelve: Twitcher, for those with restless leg syndrome 

Be social! 

JIM EXITS THE SOUNDBOOTH

MR B:

You forgot one.

JIM:

Really? Which social network would that be? Pray tell Mr b?

MR B:

MimeHouse. A social audio app for mime artists. 

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

No you don’t. That’s the point. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[CLAPPING] The script if you please mes enfants idiots!

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: GOOSE HONKING

DR EAGLE: 

Fly my pretty!

S/FX: VERY LOUD GOOSE HONKING

JIM:

Erm…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Your screaming goose has NOT dispersed the town’s people Dr Eagle.

DR EAGLE

Nein! But it was funny, no?

MR B:

I found it funny. Loading updates. Loading music, Loading anti-virus, loading empathy…

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 How long before Mr b is reset?   

MR B:

Seventy-two hours and three seconds. 

JIM:

You should never trust what the software says. Fortunately, Mr b doesn’t run on Windows. He has his own O.S., Operating System.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Which operating system does Mr b run on?

JIM:
 Java X. A coffee-based alternative to Mac OS and it’s open source. Now if only I could think of something creative to get us out of this all-is-lost situation.

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

You know how your thoughts are guided by what you read in the news? Do you read a newspaper? Do you just take news online? How would you describe your political leanings? Well, challenge that. Read a newspaper or website directly opposed to what you believe in. Construct an argument for a news story / opinion piece that you disagree with. 

Why is this a tip? Well, if you are creating something you will bring your prejudice to that project. It’s only natural. Approaching from the opposite direction will generate an alternative you may never have had. Something new this way comes.

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform. 

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Empathy loaded. Loading optimism! 

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s good news! We can get the podcast back to St Albans. I have a Krav Maga lesson at two…

JIM:

Wait!

MR B:

Rebooting! 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How long is Mr b rebooting going to take?

JIM:

I’ve no idea. I’ve not seen Mr b do a full reinstall and reboot before. 

S/FX: DISTANT SOUND OF AN ANGRY CROWD

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Is there a way of speeding Mr b up?

JIM:

Mr b has a first-generation hard drive. He’s not a solid state.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Meaning?

JIM:

We could try some percussive maintenance.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Which is?

JIM:

Hitting him around the head several times.

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Why didn’t you say earlier?

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND 

JIM:

Why did you slap me? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s always a good idea to slap you. It will keep you on your toes for future episodes. You pomme de terre!

S/FX: SLAPPNG SOUND

MR B:

Your Majesty, you called. 

S/FX: DISTANT SOUND OF AN ANGRY CROWD

JIM:
 Listen carefully Mr b. This is the current situation…

S/FX: SPEEDED UP VOICE FOR A FEW BEATS 

MR B:

I see. My view is Dr Eagle is a plot point from an episode Jim scrapped several months ago. Tebor is a delightful experiment. I must try a monster experiment. Mr Boeuf should be released, Nigel should get his own Spotify playlist and we should get the hell out of here and back to St Albans in time for the British F1 Grand Prix. And… we may be at the start of the duvet industry.

JIM:

Yes! What?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes! What?

S/FX: GEESE HONKING

JIM:

Erm… exactly how do we get back to St Albans Mr b? 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You have a plan Mr Astucieux?

DR EAGLE:

I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I come to Rio Goose to escape the angry villagers who don’t like monsters! And now I am surrounded by angry towns people obsessed with geese! Tebor! Tebor open the door!

S/FX: A HEAVY CUPBOARD SCRAPING ACROSS A WOODEN FLOOR

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NON!

JIM:

Stop him!

MR BOEUF:

Not so fast strangers!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What happened to Nigel?

MR BOEUF:

I bribed him.

S/FX: HARMONICA PLAYS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very clever Mr Beef. Nigel cannot resist playing with his instrument. 

S/FX: A GOOSE HONKING

MR B:

TAKE THAT, YOU VILLAIN!

S/FX: GOOSE WINGS FLAPPING, GOOSE HONKING 

MR BOEUF:

MY EYES!

JIM:

What the…?

DR EAGLE:

You’ll never take me alive!

MR B:

TAKE THAT, YOU VILLAIN!

S/FX: GOOSE WINGS FLAPPING, GOOSE HONKING 

DR EAGLE:

MY EYES!

JIM:

WHAT THE…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What the [BEEP]!

MR B:

No time to explain. FOLLOW ME!

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Are you OK Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, Mr b, yes, I am.  

MR B:

Another close-run thing. I wonder why this keeps happening to Jelly Trumpet? You know, you write an episode, it gets out of hand, we almost get undone. I am starting to believe that Jelly Trumpet, the outlaw podcast, is writing itself.

S/FX: WHISTLING

JIM:

I know. I’ve had the same feeling for some episodes now. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is fate gentlemen, just our fate. 

JIM:

One thing Mr b?

MR B:

Yes Mr Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The geese Mr b, the geese? 

MR B:
 How did I know? 

JIM:

That once we released them they would attack the town’s people?

MR B:

The Mocha-Cola & ACME food Mr Jim. In those days Mocha-Cola used real cocaine in their goose food. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hence, they became very irritable, honked excessively, became reckless and chased the town’s people?

MR B:

Exactly!

S/FX: A SINGLE HONK

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s not funny Nigel! 

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE