S03E05 Bee Train

We join the crew aboard a steam train in 1896 attempting to thwart the first great train robbery. Will the crew survive meeting one of the nineteenth century’s super villains?

Silly and surreal shenanigans for your listening pleasure.

Stuff We’ll Hear in this Episode: 

• How useful is a steam-powered smart phone
• Mr Cherry, famous insect impersonator
• Mr b’s lion allergy 
• The Startup, the world’s only micro sitcom, ‘The Bitter Elf’

Stay Fruity, 

Mr Jim & the Jelly Trumpet Crew

Thank you for listening to the Jelly Trumpet Podcast!

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Transcript

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

§ Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward

§ Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly

§ Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode 
 
 

Plus:

§ Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician

§ Spen, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs

§ cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape

§ and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!

Previously on Jelly Trumpet! The crew went back in history to 1586 to save Elizabeth I from a treacherous plot to put Mary Queen of Scots on the throne. With the help of three of the greatest creative minds to ever live they failed to change history.

In episode five, Bee Train we join the crew aboard a steam train in 1896 attempting to thwart the first great train robbery. Will the crew survive meeting one of the nineteenth century’s super villains? 

JIM:

[MUMBLING NONSENSE] What the? Mr b! Mr b! MR B!

MR B:

O’ you’re awake.

JIM:

Yes. I am awake [YAWNS] Mr b!. Would you care to explain why I woke up with a tea bag in my mouth?

MR B:

I’d rather not.

JIM:

Your Majesty, your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

I am a Queen. Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, not a detective!

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

JIM:

That’s not helping Nigel.

S/FX: SAXAPHONE PLAYS

MR B:

Would you like to see my invention Mr Jim? It’s a steam powered smart phone.

JIM:

No. I want to get to the bottom of the tea bag in my mouth.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shush! I am in my safe place. Nigel! The green tea. Ommmmmmm…

JIM:

What?

MR B:

Her Majesty is learning to meditate. 

JIM:

What? Why? Since when has Nigel been able to brew tea? I mean that’s a bit tricky for a squirrel the size of a St Bernard but with tiny, tiny paws. 

MR B:

O’, he doesn’t brew it. It’s a takeaway from Café Niet.

JIM:

It’s bad enough he plays the saxophone all the time… Café Niet?

MR B:

It’s a new coffee shop chain. It’s German, I think. See how small I’ve made the phone; you could fit it behind your ear!

JIM:

I woke up with a tea bag in my mouth you know, that’s a concern. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[VERY RELAXED] That is better. Nigel. Don’t forget the goat and avocado blini.

S/FX: SAXOPHONE  

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

I give up. I take a little nap, wake up choking on a tea bag. Gosh, that phone is tiny. Powered by steam, eh?

MR B:

That’s right, 350psi to be technically accurate. 

JIM:

What’s that pipe running out of the back of the phone?

QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:

I’m going to the sauna. Hold this for me Mr b. Don’t lose it.

MR B:

Certainly, a lovely ball of bright yellow yarn eh your Majesty? Could come in handy if we meet a dangerous cat.  O’ that pipe? That goes to the steam engine. Just going to spin the fly wheel.

S/FX: STEAM ENGINE STARTING UP

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[VERY RELAXED] Don’t go anywhere Spen. 

S/FX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

JIM: 

So, you’ve invented a tiny steam powered phone? Why’s the Queen given you a large ball of yarn?

MR B:

Her majesty is knitting Nigel a cover for his saxophone. Keep the sand out of his holes. Yes. that’s right. Steam is a very green energy source. 

JIM:

And the phone is powered by that steam engine?

MR B: 

[VERY ENTHUSIASTIC] Yes! Yes, it is! 

JIM:

Bit of a drawback I would say. 

MR B:

Why’s that Mr Jim?

JIM:

The power source, the steam engine that is. It’s the size of an American’s fridge freezer Mr b. 

MR B:

It’s got wheels.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

JIM:

What the…

MS LEAN:

Only me. Here! What’s all this steam?

JIM:

ERM! We’re steam cleaning the curtains Ms Lean. 

MS LEAN:

That’s alright then. Heard some hissing when I was on the stairs. Thought you had a snake infestation, again. Right. I’ll leave you to it and remember, no shenanigans! 

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

TONY: 

Now? 

JIM

Wait Mr b! About the tea bag in my mouth?

MR B:

Yes Jim?

JIM:

Nobody treats me like a mug! [TWO BEATS] What are you doing?

MR B:

Nothing, well, just a further steam experiment. Nothing to worry about.

JIM:

O’. That’s fine then. 

TONY: 

I'm back! Jelly time!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go...It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

§ Creative challenges!

§ The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview

§ A Micro Sitcom, 'The Start-up'

Plus:

§ Jim's List of the week and creative tips!

§ We play out the episode with 'We Paint Houses' a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff! 

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I know cooking! 

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN TO A STEAM WHISTLE AND TRAIN ON TRACK NOISE

JIM:

Well, that didn’t go well. 

MR B:

Not really.  

JIM:

How did we get to be on this train?

MR B:

Well, I think this calls for…

JIM:

Don’t tell me…

MR B:

ENGAGING FLASHBACK!

S/FX: BUTTON PRESSED

S/FX: FLASHBACK MUSIC 

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

MR B:

Nothing, well, just a further steam experiment. Nothing to worry about.

JIM:

O’. That’s fine then. 

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

JIM:

The steam appears to be escaping into the podcast mixing desk.

MR B:

O’, that’s not good. That’s not good at all.

JIM:

You never explained why Spen’, the guitarist currently living behind the settee, can only communicate in guitar riffs. 

MR B:

That Jim, is a long story, filled with whisky.

JIM:

Fair enough. 

MR B:

It shrank Spen’s moustache.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where is… never mind, found it!

JIM: 

Which crown is that your majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My meditation crown. See, it has incense holders. Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Well, I suppose I can make a cup of tea…

S/FX: DULL THUD OF AN EXPLOSION

S/FX: FLASHBACK MUSIC

S/FX: A TRAIN MOVING FAST. PERHAPS THE BLOWING OF A STEAM WHISTLE

MR B:

Who knew?

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Who knew? I mean, mixing high density steam with the podcast mixing desk. What could go wrong? [TWO BEATS] Apart from a small explosion that lands US on a steam train, having our hands tied behind our backs and any minute being thrown off the train! A train, I may add, that is speeding through the Hertfordshire countryside. O’ and the cherry on the top? We appear to have landed. Correction! YOU have landed us in 1896. I don’t remember how we got into this cherry pickle. Cherry?

MR B:

Nor do I. Cherry? Wait! But you like history.

S/FX: SUPER FUNKY MUSIC

JIM:

You are always saying that. I do actually. The Victorian era was…  what are you doing?

MR B:

This? This is my ecstatic dance, a dance of freedom. Give it a go. Listen to the beat of the train. Let yourself go Jim! 

JIM:

Alright then. I will. WHOOOOOOA!

S/FX: CRASHING SOUND

MR B:

Are you alright Mr Jim?

JIM:

I think so. We must have gone over a leaf on the track. I appear to have broken this large wicker trunk. 

MR B:

Really Jim. You’ll get us into trouble.

JIM:

I’ll GET US INTO TROUBLE?

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys? What are you doing? Ou est Nigel?

MR B:

Not sure your majesty. Not sure of much these days. Especially when the script keeps changing! I thought this episode was taking us to the delightful coastal town of Cromer for some crabs with sweet chilli jam and a paddle?

JIM:

Well, I wasn’t expecting an eruption of steam in the mixing desk and…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We must expect the unexpected boys. This is Jelly Trumpet. An outlaw podcast for people who like that sort of thing. Now, where is the vilain Nigel? O’ and why are you tied up in the baggage car?

JIM:

[BOYISH] Not sure.

MR B:

[BOYISH] Not sure.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, be sure. [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!

MR B:

O’ I remember now.

JIM:

Yes?

MR B:

We were tied up by that Mr Cherry.

JIM:

O’ right. That explains… well, it doesn’t do it?  Blast! Me grammar’s leaking. Why?

MR B:

Something about, erm, something about bees.

JIM:

Bees? 

MR COY:

Ere! Get off me! You’ve smashed me basket! Rogues! 

JIM:

I’m so sorry! 

MR COY: 

Have at you! You foozier! No one disrespects me, The Great Mr Coy. The Worlds only LIVING insect impersonator. Insect impersonator to royalty, I’ll have you know!

MR B:

I remember now. Strange people in the first class carriage… [THINKING] bees…? 

S/FX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ah Nigel, there you are. We’ll be in the restaurant car, if you need me. Nigel, biscuit aux amandes?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY

S/FX: DOOR SLIDING CLOSED

JIM:

Foozier? That’s a delightful piece of Victorian slang. 

S/FX: SEVERAL RAPID PUNCHES

MR B:

Did that hurt Jim?

JIM:

Fortunately, no Mr b, my face cushioned the blows. 

MR B:

Those punches made you look even more rugged Mr Jim.

JIM:

Do you think so? Let’s do that ecstatic dance thing. I’m rugged AND I can dance… Chukka, chukka, chukka…

S/FX: A MAN’S SCREAM DYING AWAY

MR B:

I do like a good dance. So, RECAP! Engaging recap.

JIM:

RECAP!

MR B:

So, that chap, Mr Coy, just tried to push us as off the train. He was fooled by our ecstatic dancing and missed us both. Shot out the carriage door like an MP filing his expenses. So, we’re on a moving train. It’s 1896 and, erm, something about bees?

JIM:

Queen Eleanor? Nigel? cMac?

MR B:

Her Majesty is on her way to the restaurant car to eat almond biscuits. Remember?. Nigel ditto. cMac overheated, went into reverse, so I put him on the roof of the train to cool down. Bees? What was it about bees?

JIM:

What is it about bees? Who was Mr Coy? How can cMac, the greatest universal gizmo overheat?

MR B:

The steam from my steam phone got in cMac’s micro processers. Was he the real McCoy?

JIM:

He said he was Mr Coy. Not Mr McCoy.

[A BEAT]

MR B:

O’ [A BEAT] Tony do SOMETHING!

TONY:

Challenge at home! 

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM: 

Let’s play what would logically follow. Take your idea, it could be a scene in your script. It could be an idea for a new product, it could be a marketing campaign. 

Write down what is expected to happen. See if you can get five to ten steps. 

So, now you have a list of what logically follows what. What happens when you change one step, here you can use one of our 9 Trumpets of Creativity, for example, what if you blended two of the steps, what if you reversed one, what if you made one step shorter or longer? Perhaps this will lead to a better way of doing a part of the script or campaign, it may even lead to some insights into your thinking? What logically follows was used by John Cleese and Connie Booth when writing Fawlty Towers.

Tell us about your insights, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode. 

Now where were we? O’ yes, just about to randomise… 

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

This recording is making me a bit dry Mr B.

MR B:

Well, we’re on dry land.

JIM:

No Mr b. My mouth is dry.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Suck this Mr Jim.

S/FX: JIM MAKES LOUD SUCKING NOISES

JIM:

What is it? Reminds me of Yorkshire.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Coal. Now you can have some tea.

MR B:

Let’s get on with the show eh?

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

S/FX: CHUGGING TRAIN. CLINK OF CHINA CUPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How are your biscuits, Nigel?

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Delicious? Bon! 

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No Nigel. I’ve told you before. It is very rude to eavesdrop on people. 

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? Are you sure? Which persons is this? [TWO BEATS] Those?

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS DOUBLE SPEED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The boys! The bees! The boys Nigel. They are in danger. We must hurry to the last baggage car…

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? Alright. Just one more biscuit. Then we really must hurry. Avert the danger. Rescue le mot homme and petite pieds. [A BEAT] More tea? 

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Meanwhile. I’ll order some more biscuits.

S/FX: TRAIN TRACKS FADING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

Meanwhile.

MR B:

Engaging MEANWHILE! Meanwhile?

JIM:

Yes. My considerable intuition tells me we are having a meanwhile moment.

MR B:

My considerable logic tells me that too.

JIM:

Look! I’ve managed to free myself from the rope!

MR B:

That’s great. Can you untie me?

JIM:

Certainly. Here we…. go!

MR B:

Now what?

JIM:

Well, erm. We come up with a plan!

MR B:

And?

JIM:

We, erm, we do the plan!

MR B:

I see. Go on then. 
 
 JIM:

Right.

[TWO BEATS]

MR B:

And the plan is?

JIM:

Erm…well, we, we, we… ask Queen Eleanor!

MR B:

Brilliant!

JIM:

I knew you’d like it. 

S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: THE BITTER ELF

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business. 

This episode is: ‘The Bitter Elf’ 

THE SCENE: A MEETING ROOM IN AN OFFICE BUILDING IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN TOWN LIKE BOREHAMWOOD 

S/FX: HUM OF SERVERAL VOICES

STEVE:

Well Mary, welcome to Strangle, Strand & Sloop, the PR and Reputation Enhancement agency. We’ve prepared a PowerPoint presentation for…

MARY:

No thank you.

STEVE:

Right then, let’s move on to creating a tag line for your business, on the back of a beer mat.

MARY:

Beer mat? Why?

STEVE:

It’s a way of focusing the mind and writing the business tag line succinctly. We call it the beer mat challenge. 

MARY:

You could call it the paper challenge and write it on paper. I’m employing Strangle, Strand & Sloop to create publicity around my baby makeup brand, BabyMaker, ‘make them cute, hide the dribbles’. I’m still working on the tag line as you well know.

STEVE:

Well, we’ve come up with three ideas for the PR angle. First a new social network, an anti-social network if you will, users will be encouraged to write only negative things. We can make LOADS of publicity with negativity. It would, we believe be set to rival Twitter.

MARY:

And it’s called?

STEVE:

Bitter.

[TWO BEATS]

MARY:

No. Next.

STEVE:

Right. Well, we get hold of a royal baby, just borrow it. Use BabyMaker on it, do a photoshoot, perhaps some radio interviews, get it a column in Hello magazine and get it on the ‘gram with shots of a luxury life, you know usual stuff, sitting on a Ferrari, eating smoked salmon on a private jet, shopping at Waitrose…

MARY:

Get hold of a royal baby?

STEVE:

We’d put it back.

MARY:

Next.

STEVE:

Well, idea three is giving a baby some pointed ears, making it look like an elf from Lord of the Rings and it doing a funny dance on TikTok.

MARY:

Sold!

STEVE:

O’, I am pleased.

MARY:

What are we going to call the campaign?

STEVE:

Baby Dancer! The Return of The Elf Baby!

MARY:

DO IT!

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. You’ve crumbs on your tummy.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: TRAIN ON TRACKS. STEAM WHISTLE

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Good boy. Now let us see if the boys have made some progress. I want to meditate once the train, erm… lands.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

MR B:

Mr Jim. What if we went into reverse?

JIM:

Fantastic! What? Why? Erm, how?

MR B:

It’s quite simple. We get cMac to reverse the script. ENGAGING REVERSE!

JIM:

Brilliant! Wait. That means I wake up with a tea bag in my mouth. I told you. I’m not a mug.

MR B:

Well, just an idea, anyway cMac is still cooling off on the train roof. So, you liked the steam phone? It really isn’t as dangerous as you think. I’ll take your silence for ‘yes, ‘it’s brilliant Mr b’. Right. Shall we go and see her Majesty?

JIM:

Yes. Open the door.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MR B:

What the…?

JIM:

What the [BLEEP]?

MR B

If I’m not mistaken Mr Jim, that’s a Western Lowland Gorilla.

JIM:

I’d have just said gorilla but I know you like to show off your natural science. Why, Mr b does the gorilla have a machete?

MR B:

Opening coconuts? 

JIM:

That makes perfect sense Mr b. Or, it would if we were on a desert island. There are no coconuts in the west lowlands. Perhaps we can sneak past him? 

S/FX: CMAC BEEPS

JIM (cont.):

cMac appears to have entered via the window. How?

MR B:

Aha! Sticky tracks Mr Jim. I’ve equipped cMac with a sticky nozzle for just such eventualities. 

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

Sticky nozzle?

MR B:

A sticky nozzle is always handy Mr Jim. You said so yourself. Erm, the gorilla chap is coming towards us.

JIM:

Well, set cMac to stun?

MR B:

I could do that…except the stun function was affected by the steam.

TONY:

This is going well. [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest. 

[SOTTO VOCE] I’m a big fan of Beef Wellington. Lovely chap.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME

JIM:

In this episode of 7 Questions in 7 Minutes I will be interviewing people about their secret creative hobby. This episode we are talking to Emma Watson how she goes about creating causes.

MR B:

Erm…

JIM:

Go on then. What have you done now? Invited Emma to the future, offered her a pole dance, suggested she had ham without the fat cut off. Perhaps suggested, she, like her Prada tv advert is ‘never the same, always herself’?

MR B:

Awwww! 

JIM:

I know a line so banal it makes sheep scream. Where is she? Just outside, on her way, taking mime lessons? What? Where is she Mr b?

MR B:

She’s in St Albans!

JIM:
 Great! So, only minutes away.

MR B:

Not quite.

JIM:

Not quite?

MR B:

St Albans, Vermont, erm… USA.

JIM:

HOW?!

MR B:

Well, I sent my latest invention, the Jelly Trumpet GPS Drone and…

JIM:

And?

MR B:

It got wet. 

JIM:

Brilliant Mr b! Another triumph like that time you attempted to play ‘Bat out of Hell’ on a flute!

 MR B:

I thought it sounded OK.

JIM:

Yes. But you gave yourself a hernia. I was going to ask Emma about the favourite lost cause she created. Was it promoting the arts for autistic mice? Or the one in Portland, Maine USA raising funds for a Lobster Empathy Centre? Or that Hollywood fund to fight the negative portrayal of snakes in movies?

MR B:

Why don’t we make up our own cause?

JIM:

Brilliant Mr b! How about we start a movement for the abolition of some things?

MR B:
 Yes but what to start with?
 
 JIM:
 Flutes. 

MR B:

I’m in! 

FADE TO JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND TO NEXT RIFF 

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC

MR B:

A gorilla with a machete Jim? Why did you write that? Why couldn’t it be a cockapoo armed with a bouncy ball?

JIM:

This Jelly Trumpet writing itself is getting out of hand. Wait! What is the furry chap doing?

MR B: 

He appears to be making some form of signal with his hands and he’s put the machete down.

JIM:

I think he’s using sign language Mr b.

MR B:

You’re right! OK. cMac, engage sign language translation mode.

SF/X: CMAC WHIRRING SOUND

JIM:

He’s very animated. This could be so very, very, very, erm, very dangerous.

MR B:

I’ll have to read the display on cMac. cMac’s voice box got hit by the steam.

JIM:

What’s the gorilla chap say Mr b? Is he going to attack?

MR B:

One minute…

S/FX: PING

JIM:

Well?

MR B:

He’s saying ‘would you like a coconut?’

JIM:

O’. They are peaceful vegetarians after all. Except for the occasional ant or termite.

MR B:

cMac, sign back, ‘no thank you, we’ve just eaten.’ 

JIM:

Right. Let’s see what’s through the next door.

MR B:

Hope it’s not a lion. [LAUGHS MANICALLY]

JIM:

That would be upsetting, if it was a lion [HE LAUGHS]

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

•               Music from ‘We Paint Houses’

•               And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to right the wrongs of the French. You have one minute!

JIM:

OK. Here we go…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH

JIM:
 I don’t like this Challenge Jim thing Mr b.

MR B:

You wrote it.

JIM:

It’s scary. Why can’t we do something whimsical.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Like afternoon tea on a steam train?

JIM:

Like afternoon tea… and biscuits on a steam train.

MR B:

Very well…

JIM:

And no lions…

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MR B:

Thank God! 

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Thank God it’s not a lion.

MR B:

I have a lion allergy.

JIM:

And tigers?

MR B:

No. I’m fine with tigers.

S/FX: TIGER ROARING

MR B:

Good tiger! Good tiger… there’s two of them. They’re massive when you get close. Massive teeth, think of the toothpaste they must get through. 

JIM:

What we have here, Mr b, is a pair of Siberian Tigers, around 250, no 260 kilos each. I suspect that one may be called Vitaly. 

MR B:

They’re so fluffy! Who’s fluffy boy then, who’s a fluffy moggie…

JIM:

Mr b, well, I think I should break it to you gently… We’re highly likely to be eaten alive.

MR B:

Nonsense. Look how cute they are?

S/FX: TIGER ROAR

JIM:

[HOLDING BACK DEEP ANGER] Why don’t you rub their tummies then?

MR B:

I’ve got something better…

JIM:

[WHISPERING ANGRILY] Better? Better? What can be better than rubbing a tiger’s tummy?!

MR B:

TARRRA! The ball of yarn from her Majesty. Here you go. Who’s a good moggie then, you’re a good moggie… yes you are… see, they love a ball of yarn.

JIM:

Are we sure stranger things happen on other podcasts?

RIFF: 7

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No Nigel. We really have to go. The boys are in danger. [A BEAT] Perhaps we should have mentioned the gorilla and the tigers?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What was that mon ami poilu?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[LAUGHING] You are right! The look on their faces will be priceless. Viens ma chérie. Be careful when we go past those bee hives. 

S/FX: TRAIN ON TRACKS AND STEAM WHISTLE

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

That was close. Now what do we have here? Let me read this writing on the door. B dot O dot E only. And a picture of Britannica holding a leaf.

MR B:

B.O.E? Bottles of Evian? Bags of eels? Bishop of El Paso?

JIM:

Don’t think so. It’s familiar though. 

MR B:

We could open the door?

JIM:

O’, yes, we could do that Mr b. We’ve not been having much luck with what’s behind the doors though eh? What’s it going to be behind the door, an Anaconda with reflux? A rogue rhino, with a terrible itch? Perhaps a bear wearing a silly hat? 

MR B:

It could be something nice? We should always be optimistic Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes. True. [TWO BEATS] You go first.

MR B:

[NAIVELY] OK.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

JIM:

Well done Mr b.

MR B:

Look!

JIM:

I can’t.

MR B:

Why not?

JIM: 

I’ve got my eyes closed.

MR B:

You won’t see anything then.

JIM:

You’re right Mr b. I’ll open them then. O’ MY…!

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC 

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. Things I’ve done on a kitchen table. Perhaps not. This episode things I’ve done in America. 

Number one: Falling in love with a rugby player, she was lovely.

Number two: Eaten my weight in BBQ pork and beef. 

Number three: Sneering when someone says folks (tip, it’s not friendly and they don’t mean it).

Number four: Watch an American swim in a pool and thought of declaring him an independent nation. 

Number five: Bought a flowery shirt in San Francisco. 

Number six: Rode the ‘T’ in Boston. 

Number seven: Cried in Lake Placid.    

Number eight: Wondered why America, why? 

Number nine: Pretended I was a member of Take That.

Number ten: Tipped a waiter over a Cliff Richard.  

Number eleven: Spoke lovingly about blighty.  

Number twelve: Sighed with relief that it was only a business trip.

At least six of these items are true. 

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: STEAM WHISTLE

JIM: 

Well, well, well, well…

MR B:

There must be millions of pounds Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Millions in pound notes. 

MR B:

B.O.E Mr Jim, Bank of England.

JIM:

Bank of England Mr b. Things were a bit lax in 1896. I mean, all this dosh in sacks and baskets. 

S/FX: CMAC BEEPS A COUPLE OF TIMES

MR B:

Let’s see what cMac has found?

JIM:

And?

MR B:
 cMac, with his advanced counting function, estimates that there is 2.8 million pounds, which in…  todays’ money… is a lot.  

JIM:

Eh?

MR B:

I’ve not programmed conversion rate due to inflation over the last hundred years.  It’s on my list.

JIM:

A lot is enough Mr b. Now where were we…?

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

S/FX: SOUND OF BEES BUZZING. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 Arrête ça Nigel! Leave the hives alone. Honey tomorrow. Now follow me…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN A HIGHLY AGITATED AND AGGRESSIVE MANNER

S/FX: BEES BUZZING GROWS IN INTENSITY

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

Start a list of creative exercises. For example, rewrite your favourite song’s lyrics as making as personal to you, your friends, those who you work with. Try singing it to the tune. Gather your list, say 10 creative ideas for being creative. Now, swap them with someone else and try the new list of exercises. Which three work best for you?

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform. 

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: A DOOR BEING OPENED VIOLENTLY

DARK KIPPER:

Not so fast Pod Boys!

MR B:

Strewth!

JIM:

You fiend! 

MR B:

It’s the Dark Kipper from Season 2, episode 10.

DARK KIPPER:

Come now you silly, silly, silly podcasters!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[MUMBLING THROUGH A GAG] Hello boys!

JIM:

Strewth!

MR B:

You fiend!

JIM:

Why have you tied up and gagged her Majesty, OUR Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine? 

MR B:

[WHISPERING TO JIM] But where’s Nigel? 

S/FX: SLIGHT BUZZING OF BEES

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] Could be anywhere.

DARK KIPPER:

YOU FOOLS! I am robbing the train. Mr Cherry! Mr Cherry! Seize them, tie them, throw them off the train.

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] O’ that explains cherry then! Not the bees though. We were tied up by Mr Cherry. Yes. Where is Nigel? [NORMAL VOICE] A request Mr Kipper.

DARK KIPPER:

Vot? 

JIM:

We’d really like the Queen to be able to say goodbye to us. Can you remove the gag in her regal mouth?

DARK KIPPER:

Very well. After you’ve done that Mr Cherry, you will bring the train to a stop and we will give the money to our getaway riders, Ernie Hecklestone and the others…

JIM:

Ernie Hecklestone, sounds familiar.

DARK KIPPER:

Yes. Ernie Hecklestone is a famous getaway rider hoping to fund a sport formula for successful horse racing. Don’t tell anyone!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

DARK KIPPER:

Vot is that chirping noise?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! ICI! Libérer les abeilles. Rapide!

S/FX: BUZZING OF BEES GETTING VERY LOUD

S/FX: DARK KIPPER SCREAMING

DARK KIPPER:

Nien! Nein! Nein! Die Bienen stechen! Nein! Böse Bienen! 

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Frankly Mr Jim, that was a terrifying episode. 

JIM:

I do apologise. How are the crumpets coming on?

MR B:

Almost done. The coffee is ready. Hot milk?

JIM:

Yes please. It would appear the whole episode was a flashback to a script I scrapped many months ago. Somehow it came back to life. Perhaps because of the steam.

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] Well, fancy that. Steam can so some funny things. 

JIM:

Yes. Most unusual.

MR B:

Crumpets are ready! I’ll just steam the milk for the coffee. 

JIM:

Excellent!

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 Miel? I mean honey gentlemen?

MR B AND JIM LAUGH

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

MR B:

More steam Mr Jim?

JIM:

Erm… Mr b. If you steam the milk for the coffee then that steam may send us back to the train!

MR B:

Good point Mr Jim. That could be very dangerous. We don’t want any form of steam near the control desk, that, erm, might cause an explosion and the podcast blown back in history. Let’s just have some cold milk on the side. 

JIM:

Excellent. I mean we DO want to run out of steam. HA HA!

[TWO BEATS]

S/FX: PHONE RINGING

JIM:

Is that your steam powered phone Mr b? 

S/FX: A SLIGHT ESCAPING OF STEAM

MR B:
 Yes, it is.

JIM:

Erm.

S/FX: THE STEAM ESCAPING GETS LOUDER

MR B:

That’s right… O’…

S/FX: BEES BUZZING

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING AND A DULL THUD OF AN EXPLOSION

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. I told you once. Bee careful. You get it? Bee careful… Here we go again, 

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE