S03E03 Podcast Noir

A mysterious woman leaves a clue; Mr b invents a ‘Cliché Cannon’ (will such an invention be of any use to our brave crew) and too many horsemen of the apocalypse turn up?

A bad man and his henchman, Mungo, tie up the crew and sprinkle them with alcohol. Will they break free and avoid being singed?

Will Jim, write an episode without strong black coffee and Scotch eggs?

Silly and surreal shenanigans for your listening pleasure.

Stuff We’ll Hear in this Episode:

• - Tony, voice over guy, mutters about pillows
• - Who is painting pictures of the apocalypse, with kittens
• - One of the cast is rather good at line dancing
• - The Startup, the world’s only micro sitcom, ‘The Awards for Awards’ show

Thank you for listening to the Jelly Trumpet Podcast!

Stay Fruity, 

Mr Jim & the Jelly Trumpet Crew

Thank you for listening to the Jelly Trumpet Podcast!

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Transcript

Season: 03

Episode: 03 – ‘Podcast Noir’ 

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

§ Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward

§ Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly

§ Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode 
 
 

Plus:

§ Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician

§ Spen, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs

§ cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape

§ and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!

Previously on Jelly Trumpet! Mr b invented a magenta button that took the crew back to Roman St Albans. Because Mr b made the button duck quack activated the crew ended up in a gladiatorial arena with no hope except for a bag of fluffy ducklings.  

In episode three, Podcast Noir Jelly Trumpet transform into a film noir or rather a podcast noir. A mysterious villain invades the Jelly Trumpet studio. Who is he? Why has he tied the crew up and poured whiskey over them? Will the crew escape and what use is a cliché cannon?   

JIM:

Mr b, I am concerned about Tony.

MR B:

Tony, the voice over guy?

JIM:

The same Mr b. He’s taken to muttering quite a lot about pillows.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHRIPING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this, Nigel? A book of matches. Comment venir?

JIM:

It’s one thing for us to be the only outlawed podcast in the history of podcasts. It’s quite another to have a voice over guy muttering about pillows.

TONY:

[SOTTO VOCE] Goose feathers, mmmm[YAWNS].

MR B:

I’ll have a word with him.

JIM:

Thank you, Mr b. 

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

What was that, Nigel? A lady came earlier? When we were at the Farmer’s Market. She dropped this book of matches? Describe her to me.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:

I am rather busy Mr Jim. 

JIM:

Doing what? Don’t tell me. 

MR B:

I won’t.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AS QUEEN ELEANOR SPEAKS HER NEXT LINES

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I see. Quite petit… ultra-blond… pencil skirt… white blouse… high heels and a beret. Nice cheek bones, that’s JUST CONTOURING! So, she’ll be back in two minutes?

MR B:

OK. It’s an experiment. I’m attempting to create an invisibility hat. 

JIM:

An invisible hat? How would you find it?

MR B:

No Jim. That would be silly. The hat makes you invisible. Science you see…

JIM:

[PEEVISH] I get that but for what porpoise? [SOTTO VOCE] Damn it! Damn homonyms! 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I shall inform the boys Nigel. Now go and see if Spen is awake, and… er …rested.

JIM:

Well, good luck with that Mr b. Mind you being invisible may be useful as Jelly Trumpet is now outlawed, a rogue podcast if you will. Deep sigh.

MR B:

Indeed. One thing Mr Jim? Why do we now have Eddie, the mime artist on the crew? I mean a mime artist on a podcast is a mite stu…

JIM:

It’s a directive from the Podcast Authority. All podcasts must have a resident mime artist; to keep mimers off the streets. 

MR B:

Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes? 

MR B:

We’re an outlawed podcast.

JIM:

O’. Well… erm, well… yes, fair point. He’ll fit in fine.

MR B:

God help us.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel says there’s someone at the door.

S/FX: KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

JIM:

How did Nigel know there was someone at the door?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a physic squirrel.

MR B:

He is rather talented. 

JIM:

Never ending talents, that squirrel. I’m not sure I wrote something about a physic squirrel?

MR B:

Who’s at the door Tony?

TONY:

It's the 5 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

JIM:

There are only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

TONY:

They brought Tony Blair with them.

MR B:

O’. It’s going to be one of those episodes, is it? 

TONY: 

I'm back! Jelly time!

JIM:

What are you doing here?

MR B:

I’m in the script. 

JIM:

O’. Yes. Yes, you are, always Mr b. 

TONY:

Right then! Off we go...It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

§ Creative challenges!

§ The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview

§ A Micro Sitcom, 'The Start-up'

Plus:

§ Jim's List of the week and creative tips!

§ We play out the episode with 'We Paint Houses' a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff! 

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I fancy some Hor-licks. 

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN

S/FX: A DOOR OPENS

S/FX: 1940’S TYPE FILM NOIR MUSIC PLAYS

JIM:

O’ my o’ my…

MR B:

I smell trouble.

JIM:

Well, blow your nose.

MR B:

She’s rather pretty. 

JIM:

Yes. We won’t let that get to me, will we?

EFFIE:

[AMERICAN ACCENT] You must help me!

JIM:

Well, we’re a podcast, we could give you some sound effects.

S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING

JIM [CONT.]:

Like ducks, erm… ducking, erm…

MR B:

Quacking Jim. Ducks quack. We also do steam noises, engine effects, xylophones AND exciting buttons…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[A GENTLE GIGGLE] Thank you Spen. Merveilleux! Nigel ici!

S/FX: A VERY TIRED GUITAR RIFF

MR B:

Erm. Some other form of help perhaps?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this… this maiden doing here?

MR B:

The lady is just explaining your Majesty. O’, how is Spen?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Spent.

EFFIE:

I’m Effie. Effie Sake. 

JIM:

Indeed. Well…

EFFIE: 

I didn’t mean to kill him.

JIM:

Hang on, we’re…

MR B:

…Just podcasters. Outlaw podcasters mind…

EFFIE:

You mean…You’re not the true crime podcast ‘Only Murders in the Hotel?’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They’re next door. 

MR B & JIM:

WHAT THE!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough! Mr b the button. 

MR B:

Very well.

JIM:

That’s my line!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I know. 

MR B:

Any particular button your Majesty?

JIM:

How about the one that makes coffee?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The calm button Mr b.

S/FX: A LOUD CLUNK

JIM:

O’ great, the button that goes clunk!

MR B:

I’m still testing it Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Suffisant! 

MR B:

But… but… but…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

But me no buts!

JIM:

Not... not… not…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Not me no knots.

JIM:

For Fu…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP] me no [BEEPS]

EFFIE:

Next door you said?

MR B:

Yes. Bye. Pressing the calm button…NOW!

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Hold on tight!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

It should kick in…

JIM:

Mr b. As I’ve not written this part of the script could you enlighten me as to what the calm button does? Is it anything to do with my love for film noir?

MR B:

Yes. You asked for a nostalgia trip didn’t you Jim? The calm button lurches Jelly Trumpet slightly to the left, 78 seconds in the past and erm, turns everything monochrome.

JIM:

Lurches? Excellent. So, after the button is pushed Effie Sake will miss Jelly Trumpet by 78 seconds and enter the ‘Only Murders in the Hotel?’ podcast next door? Wait! Other things? Did I ask for other things? 

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND THEN 1940S MUSIC

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well Mr b? What else did Mr Jim ask for the button to do?

MR B:

Well, I’m not at liberty your Majesty…  another successful button eh Jim?

JIM:

Mmmmm!

S/FX: A DOOR BEING BROKEN IN

MR ARCHER:

Not so fast!

TWO BEATS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who are you?

MR ARCHER:

You can call me Mr Archer.

JIM:

Why?

MR ARCHER:

Because it’s my name.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is THAT!

MR ARCHER:

This is my associate, Mungo. 

MUNGO:

Mungo! 

MR ARCHER:

Mungo will now tie you up and sprinkle a delightful malt whisky with an added high concentrate of pure alcohol all over you and your studio.

JIM:

O’ Well done Mr b. Great button! We’re now going to die at the hands of a film noir baddie and someone the size of Greg Davis with the look of a flatulent Kodiak bear. So much for 78 seconds in the past. We’re going to die by malt whisky, erm is it a single malt? 

MR B:

Tony do SOMETHING!

TONY:

Challenge at home! 

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM: 

This episode is going to be about an Edward de Bono exercise. Called Plus, minus and interesting. 

Take an idea or really a decision about an idea. Take a piece of paper. Make three columns and title them, you guessed it; plus, minus and interesting. 

What is the positive about this idea? What is the minus value of this idea? If any of what comes to you doesn’t fit in plus or minus then put it in the interesting column. 

Give yourself ten minutes, time discipline is somewhat important in creativity. Now you have anchored all the ideas you have. Read, remember and leave overnight. Tomorrow, because of this anchoring your unconscious mind will have made the right decision for your project. 

Tell us what you discovered; post it on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode. 

Now where were we? O’ yes, tied to chairs and soaked in delightful single malt whisky.  

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You know Nigel, for a physic squirrel you have rather let us down. 

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Why have they tied us up, sprinkled [HE SNIFFS] Speyside? No… perhaps an Islay…

JIM:

Could be a Highland malt… well Mr b, do you think they all burn when set alight? What I want to know is why two, er hoodlums from the 1940s are here in Jelly Trumpet in the present day? 

MR B:

[LYING] I’ve no idea.

JIM:

Wait! Look around. The studio, us, even Nigel is in monochrome. 

S/FX: DA, DA, DA MUSIC

QEEN ELEANOR:

They took Effie. Pour l'amour de la merde! My bright silken robes of russet and peach have gone GREY!

MR B:

A slight problem with the, er… erm… the button calibration perhaps.

JIM:

Button calibration, eh? You’ve moved the podcast slightly to the left, into the 1940s and if I am not mistaken, into the plot of a black and white film noir. That’s more than 78 seconds in the past, eh Mr b?

[A BEAT]

MR B:

You love Film Noir.

JIM:

I do actually. I particularly admire The Third Man. Now Orson Welles… 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Assez de bêtises! We could go up in flames any minute. Think! Think imbéciles!

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

I think Eddie the mime would be a great addition to the…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Not about that! Think about avoiding a horrible death by whisky flames, think of that, if you please. 

MR B:

I could command cMac, our ultimate gizmo, to use its lasers…

JIM:

Not lasers Mr b!

MR B:

Good point. Anyway, he’s currently disassembled for his 10,000 Americano service. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

10,000 Americano service?

JIM:

You’re forgetting your Majesty that Mr b adapted cMac from a mid-range coffee machine into the ultimate gizmo to save us in times of trouble and shenanigans.  

MR B:

cMac does make a lot of coffee…

JIM:

Yes! Not just Americanos, he does lattes, flat whites.... 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Académique! Boys, if only we had some form of sharp object.

S/FX: CHIRPING SQUIRREL 

MR B:

If only…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] If only…

JIM:

If only…

MR B:

While we’re thinking perhaps, we could play the micro sitcom. [TWO BEATS] I think if I twist right, suddenly dive to my left, I could hit the play button with my right… wait, my left elbow. [TWO BEATS] GERONIMO!

S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: THE AWARDS FOR AWARD CEREMONIES PRE-SHOW

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business. 

This episode is: ‘The Awards for Award Ceremonies Pre-Show Rehearsal’ 

THE SCENE: A VERY POSH HOTEL. BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED TABLES ARE BEING SET FOR AN AWARDS DINNER 

S/FX: SOUND OF CUTLERY BEING PLACED ON A TABLE

MARY:

Now Jason! You understand the importance of the awards for award ceremonies?

JASON:

Well, I don’t quite understand. An award ceremony for awards ceremonies? How? What?

MARY:

It’s quite simple Jason, a four-year-old could understand…

JASON:

[SARCASTIC] Would madam like me to get a four-year-old?

MARY:

What?! No Jason. I want you to understand. To promote my top three brands, I have founded the awards ceremony for the best of other award ceremonies. Here, here in your hotel, Hotel Marginal. 

JASON:

I see.

MARY:

Good! Now, let’s go through some details so you have the full picture. O’ and I want the photographer stationed here [A BEAT] with the dagger, the dog and the baby. 

MARVIN:

Certainly, wait… what?

MARY:

It’s quite simple Jason. A five-year-old could understand. Each object represents one of my brands, the dagger for my protein packed cakes for bodybuilders, ‘Murder Cake’, the dog for my dog owner app ‘iDogger’ and the baby for my make up for babies’ brand, hide the dribbles, ‘BabyMaker’. Must work on that tag line…

S/FX: CLINKING OF GLASSES

JASON:

A dog, a dagger and a baby. Isn’t that dangerous? 

MARY:

Branding is about reality Jason, reality and honesty. So, there might be an incident or two. Moving on. The most prestigious awards for other award ceremonies will be… are you listening Jason? You have the attention span of a six-year-old. 

JASON:

What if the props get mixed up? 

MARY:

Don’t be silly. Have you ever mixed up a baby with a dagger?

JASON:

Not yet.

MARY:

The first award for an award ceremony is for the Wurlitzer Awards for Marketing, the category award, Best Theft of Consumer Data. Second up will be the PR Weekly Awards, the category, Best Reality Star Sob Story on a Saturday Night. Then one of the major awards for award ceremonies, the Elon Musk Fellowship for Self-Obsessed Digital Madness. Are we clear Jason?

S/FX: GLASSES CLINKING

JASON:

I think so.

SILENCE FOR TWO BEATS

MARY:

You have a question?

JASON:

So, everyone winning an award gets a dagger, a dog and, er… a baby?

MARY:

Jason. Get me the six-year-old. 

JASON:

Certainly madam. 

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

MR B:

Have you ever been tied to a chair before Mr Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel les dents. ici mordre!

JIM:

Only recreationally Mr b. 

MR B:

Eh? Really, fancy that?! Our third episode of Jelly Trumpet season 3 and we’ve been tied to chairs and sprinkled with highly flammable malt whisky… pretty sure it’s an Islay. 

JIM:

Most unusual Mr b. I think we should consider thinking about our predicament? There must be a logical explanation and therefore a logical solution. I’m sure it’s a Highland malt.

MR B:

Yes. But what is the logical solution?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bon Nigel.

JIM:

O’ your majesty, if you and Nigel are going out can you get me two Scotch Eggs and some salad cream? 

MR B:

And we’re out of coff…wait!

JIM:

Yes wait. Let’s check the fridge, o’. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’d be better off sharing this podcast with a couple of pies, mince & onion perhaps? Well? 

MR B:

[SHEEPISH] Looks like her Majesty has solved our predicament. 

JIM:

[SHEEPISH] Yes it does. I mean she’s really good at predicaments. But how?

S/FX: CHATTERING TEETH

MR B

O’ I see. Nigel and… 

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

…his needle-like teeth. Gosh. That’s clever. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Bit les tartes! 

MR B:

Nigel is very talented. It’s wonderful what he can do with his needle-like teeth. Remember him stripping the varnish off that Bistro Style Dining chair so her Majesty could have a post-modern throne?

S/FX:  CHATTERING TEETH SPED UP

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now we must follow the American maiden, this, supposed, Effie Sake.

JIM:

Right, you are Ma’am!

MR B:

Coming your majesty. 

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

I am tempted to suck my trousers. 

MR B:

Understandable Mr Jim. I believe we have been sprinkled with a fine [SNIFFS], yes, definitely a 10-year-old Islay Malt. 

JIM:

Well, well, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 ENOUGH! Salade brains!

Mr B:

O’ it was 78 years not 78 seconds. Must adjust the button calibration. 

TONY:

Who’ll read me a story before bed, [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest. 

[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve read a newspaper twice.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME

JIM:

In this episode of 7 Questions in 7 Minutes I will be interviewing people about their secret creative hobby. This episode Suella Braverman discusses her painting. 

MR B:

Erm…

JIM:

Who is that lady Mr b?

MR B:

Well, I thought you said…

JIM:

That’s Floella Benjamin, isn’t it?

MR B:

Might be…

JIM:

What do you mean ‘might be’? That is the wonderful Baroness Floella Benjamin DBE. Floella Benjamin DOES NOT sound in anyway like Suella Braverman! Why did you invite Floella and not Suella?

MR B:

Because Floella is a decent human being who’s done much good for the country and is a Baroness! 

JIM:
 Well, don’t do it again! I was going to ask Suella Braverman why she paints kittens.

MR B:

They are adorable creatures Mr Jim. 

JIM:

No Mr b. Suella doesn’t paint kittens, she paints WITH kittens. Dips them in the Acrylic paint and smears them across very large canvases illustrating the coming apocalypse. 

MR B:

I see. 

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

O’ well, ask Floella if she fancies a pint?  

FADE TO JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND TO NEXT RIFF 

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

‘This is just too black and white’, ‘the rat bastard deserved it,’ ‘corpses are like road signs…when you see them, there’s always trouble ahead…’

JIM:

What are you doing Mr b?

MR B: 

That’s not me. I was just loading my cliché cannon. I’ve taken up inventing useful things to take to the cinema. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Cliché cannon?

MR B:

Yes. 

JIM:

I’m curious Mr b. Here we are standing in a dark alley in the middle of St Albans. Our clothes are saturated with an Islay malt whisky and we’re about to break-in and enter ‘Archer & Mungo’s Private Investigators’ locked office and you are loading a cliché cannon. O’ and did I mention we and this alley are all in black and white? And why has Nigel brought a large bag of nuts?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is nut hungry.

MR B:

I invented the cliché cannon for just such an occasion Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? What use are cliches in such a situation Mr b?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Somehow, we’ve ended up in a black and white film noir world. The, er…  calibration… erm must have broken. Anyway, cliches will abound in film noir.. But we can outflank these 1940s film noir cliches with multiple modern clichés of our own. Hence the cliché cannon.

S/FX: POLICE SIREN

JIM:

What do you mean ‘outflank?’ 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough! We are lucky that Nigel is a sniffer squirrel and he led us to this office. For Effie Sake.

JIM:

There’s no need for that sort of language.

MR B:

That’s the kidnapped woman’s name Jim.

JIM:

O’. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel will break in the door. Mr b will enter first and fire some clichés. On trois, une, deux, TROIS! 

S/FX: DOOR BEING BROKEN IN

MR B:

FIRING CANNON! I was born ready… cover me, I’m going in… let’s do this thing… wait, did you hear something? 

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

•               Music from ‘We Paint Houses’

•               And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to write a film script in one minute, about a bank robbery in 1940’s London. 

JIM:

Ffffffffffffff Mr b! OK. Here we go…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: FEET CRUNCHING BROKEN GLASS

MR B:

There’s nobody here.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nothing but an old office chair, a scratched desk and an Amazon delivery box… empty.

JIM:

I wonder Mr b; do you remember when we had Katy Perry as a guest on the show?

MR B:

What? No Jim.

JIM:

Why don't you remember?

MR B:

Because it never happened. You've made that up, haven't you?

QEEEN ELEANOR:

Not this again.

MR B:

If he can make stuff up [SARCASTIC] then can he make up a Whopper Burger and large fries?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And some Mini Cheddars.

JIM:

Well, no. 

MR B:

What was in the Amazon box?

MR B:

Looks like it could have been…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You’ve no idea Mr b. 

JIM:

He’s no idea.

MR B:

Well… no.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Was that Nigel?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s right Nigel. Nigel found a clue earlier, a book of matches. See!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

I see…

MR B:

Talk about clichés…

JIM:

It’s promoting that nightclub. The one that opened last week in The Maltings shopping centre.

MR B:

O’ yes. Club Couscous.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: JAZZY 1940’S STYLE MUSIC

RIFF: 7

JIM:

It went like this Mr b. Katy Perry came on the show and…

S/FX: HARP MUSIC FOR GOING BACK IN TIME. SUDDENLY CUTS OFF

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Arrête Jim!

JIM:

Just a thought… What if we had a really famous guest on the podcast?

MR B:

[CLICK LIKE A SHOTGUN BEING LOADED] Loading cliché cannon! We’ve got a job to do… now… where were we…I f I’m not back in 2 minutes blow the whole goddam joint? 

S/FX: POLITE APPLAUSE 

S/FX: SOFT NIGHTCLUB JAZZ

VOICE:

All the way from the United States, Club Couscous presents the singing legend, Cat Berry!

S/FX: SOME OLD 1940’s TYPE SONG WHICH FADES AWAY

MR B:

Cat Berry? Well, what a coincidence. Look Jim. It’s Mungo!

JIM:

Let’s follow him!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A moment! I have to adjust my crown…

MR B:

That Cat Berry… she’s…

JIM:

A lovely face… such cheekbones…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s just HIGHLIGHTS! Now move!

S/FX: THE 1940’s SONG FADES UP FOR A FEW BEATS AND THEN FADES AWAY

JIM:

How are we going to deal with Mungo?

MR B:

We could use the cliché cannon?

JIM:

Risky Mr b. What if it misfires? The room will be full of cliches and we won’t know what’s a good line of dialogue to stand on. What about using, erm… Nigel?

QUEEN ELEANOR

You are forgetting that Nigel, is not only the size of a St Bernard doggie, he is an attack squirrel.

JIM:

Yes. I was forgetting that.

MR B:

And he does have needle-like teeth.

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

He’s also a sniffer squirrel. 

JIM:

O’ yes, a squirrel of many roles…

MR B:

And nuts…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough boys! Mr b opens the door, Mr Jim goes left and you Nigel! You leap at Mungo, leap high, use your needle teeth and ALL of your claws. On trios… une… deux…

JIM:

What am I doing again?

MR B:

You go to the left…

JIM:

Right! Wait! That’s a bit vague.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

All right. You go left and whistle ‘La Marseillaise.’

JIM:

OK! Great.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

TROIS!

S/FX: DOOR BANGING OPEN

QUEEN ELEANOR: 

Stay where you are! Now Nigel! Take this bag of nuts! Nigel ATTAQUE!

MR B:

What part of stay where you are don’t you understand?

S/FX: CHIRPING VERY LOUD AND VERY EXCITED

S/FX: VARIOUS CRASHES AND SOUND OF A FIGHT MIXED WITH NIGEL’S CHIRPS AND A VERY POOR ATTEMPT TO WHISTLE ‘LA MARSEILLAISE’ 

S/FX: SHORT BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Well Jim, that’s gone well.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. That’s gone very well. I must say that Nigel is a vicious little [BEEP].

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And yet, in squirrel years he is a toddler. Now. What’s next? 

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC 

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. Things I do on the beach. Just joking. I never go to the beach. So, this episode, things I wish I could do.

Number one: Drive a Formula 1 car.

Number two: Believe nine out of ten MPs. 

Number three: Finish a film after 11:30 on a Saturday night. 

Number four: Leave food on my plate. 

Number five: Take America seriously. 

Number six: Read a book on a waterslide. 

Number seven: Put Instagram down.  

Number eight: Dream of a better BBC. 

Number nine: Drive a car without making high revving engine noises.

Number ten: Attract butterflies. 

Number eleven: Believe a headline in the Daily Mungo. 

Number twelve: Sleep without Pook, my Jellycat cuddly sloth.

All of the above are true. Well, not the America bit. 

EXITS SOUND BOOTH

I’m sweating like an American called Bob junior, the third. 

MR B:

That’s such a cliché Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Many a word spoken in jest turns out to be a cliché Mr b.  

MR B:

Quite your Majesty. What’s in a name, eh?

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: TINKLE OF BROKEN GLASS FALLING ON THE FLOOR

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Effie Sake!

JIM: 

We’ve talked about this your Majesty.

MR B:

How many more times Jim? Effie Sake is the American lady’s name.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well? Explain yourself jeune femme!

EFFIE:

No.

MR ARCHER:

What have you done to Mungo!?

MUNGO:

[WEARY AND MUFFLED] Mungo.

JIM:

Sorry about that. Nigel get youserlf and your nut bag off the man’s face. 

MR B:

Well, what now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We are here to set Effie free. 

MR B:

Yes. We are the rescuers! 

JIM:

Release her! 

MR ARCHER:

Effie? 

EFFIE:

Dad?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Dad?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Dad? 

JIM:

Dad?

MR B:

Dad? Well, how about I pack up the cliché cannon, Nigel puts his nuts back in their sack, her Majesty makes peace with ladies with high cheekbones and you Jim. You write us another plot?

JIM: 

I quite like this plot Mr b. Not sure I wrote it but I had been drinking and as you said. I do like film noir and, er… other things. Wait! For [BEEP] sake!

EFFIE:

Yes?

MR B:

What is it Mr Jim? 

JIM:

Effie said she ‘didn’t mean to kill him!’ 

EFFIE:

NOW MUNGO!

MUNGO: 

Mungo!

S/FX: A LIGHT BEING SWITCHED OFF

JIM:

Bugger! Mungo’s switched all the lights off.

MR B:

What now?

S/FX: A LIGHT BEING SWITCHED ON

QUEEN ELEANOR:
 We switch the lights on again enfants. 

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

Me too.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They have escaped. Quick! After them! Nigel! We ride! 

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

My creative medicine tip this episode is called ‘being a villain.’ For a creative writer, take a scene or chapter from a well-known piece of work. Say you take ‘Jack and the Beanstalk, rewrite the piece from the point of view of the giant. Make him the hero. 

If you are a marketer, a copywriter say. Take everything doubtful about the product or service and write a letter of complaint. Everything you can think of that’s wrong. Write as a disgruntled customer or client. Now you have the starting point for taking those complaints and turning them around to make that complainant an evangelist for the brand. 

Email me if I can help your creative project, jelly@jellytrumpet.com 

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

We’ve got them cornered! Better stand behind me your Majesty.

JIM:

No! Both of you. Stand behind me. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’m the queen and I choose to fight!

MR ARCHER:

We’ll settle this the old-fashioned way! [AFFECTS A STRONG AMERICAN SOUTH ACCENT] I am Beauregard, Preston, Hunter, Travis, Waylone Des Moines Arthur Archer the fourth!

JIM:

There’s four of them?

MR B:

FOURTH Jim! Fourth. Not four!

QUEEN ELANOR:

Do your worst! Nigel preparer!

MR ARCHER:

Mungo! If you please. The loser will be the last one to shout Yee Haw!

MUNGO:

Mungo calls!

S/FX: LINE DANCING MUSIC WITH A CALLER GIVING INSTUCTIONS

JIM, MR B, QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nooooooo!

LINE DANCING CALLER: Circle left… roll away… half sashay… Ladies in… men sashay… Box the gnat, pass through… separate… and go home…

THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE TAKES PLACE WITH THE LINE DANCING MUSIC AND CALLING IN THE BACKGROUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Help!

MR B:

Mr Jim… if I never see you again…

JIM;

It’s been a pleasure podcasting with you Mr b…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hang on mes petits fous! We can two-step and twist!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

[SHOUTING] Man against the wind! A beetle on its back! The second world war! Got it! Wasp in a bottle…

MR B:

What are you doing Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well Eddie the Mime Artist is doing a mime and I’m guessing what he’s miming…

MR B:

There you go Eddie.

JIM:

What are you doing?

MR B:

Eddie got the belt of his jeans caught on the door handle again Mr Jim. 

JIM:

O’.

MR B:

Who’d have thought, eh?

JIM:

Yes. Who’d have thought? Wait…what?

MR B:

That Nigel was a champion line dancer.

JIM:

O’ that. Yes. Most unexpected.

[TWO BEATS]

JIM, MR B, QUEEN ELEANOR:

YEE HAW!

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE